Beauty Before the Athletic Requirement

There are certain natural forces that govern everything that we humans do. We desire to be loved; perhaps that is why we allow ourselves to love others. We desire money, even money from questionable Saudi sources. However, there is one force that reigns high above the rest, significantly affecting human behavior. No, it is not the college admissions puzzle, but rather the oh-so-primitive mating game, survival of the desirable. Our animalistic tendency to play this mating game drives herds of humans to the gym. Eating disorders, teenage depression, and Jawbreaker-esque determination to climb the desirability ladder are all results of the ever-perpetuated-by-teen-‘zines notion that lookin’ pretty will transform a mundane existence into a fairy tale. “I’m not skinny enough; I’m not good enough; I must be as pretty as she is.” We’ve all heard and probably uttered variations of such comments since the first time we glanced in the mirror. Forces beyond our control continue to force us to change ourselves, to better ourselves. With the hope that the more attractive we are, some inner turmoil and insecurity shall immediately be remedied; we will have achieved the ultimate goal. To most, attractiveness does seem to open up at least a few doors. Even strong believers in meritocracy such as myself do not doubt the power of looking good. Wonder why the story of Bill Gates is so inspirational? Even the ugly can become successful! Gasp! Plus, they can win themselves beautiful Alpha females! For women, does beauty immediately guarantee a life of comfort? Sadly, some would answer, absolutely. On the set of an excessively dumbed down dating game show, one akin to Channel E!’s Star Dates, one would most likely face such eye candy as: Bachelor #1: Handsome and smart, this studly bookworm works out daily. Healthy and happy, especially due to his commitment to exercise, Bachelor #1 will surely live a long and happy life. Bachelor #2: The ugliest of the ugly, horrendously overweight, and pitifully out of shape since the age of 13, this chunk of unhealthy meat will surely die soon of heart disease due to his less than exemplary exercise regime. Bachelor #2 couldn’t even pay anyone to date him… that is why he is pathetic enough to return time and again to our already miserable dating show. Even to the most dim-witted females, except maybe the savvy businesswoman Anna Nicole Smith, Bachelor #1 seems like he is more desirable and successful in life. Whether or not that is true is irrelevant. Bachelor #1 is simply better than Bachelor #2. We don’t think it is right. We don’t think it is fair. But, then again, what is the first thing we learn about life? Thus, dictated by such natural forces as one’s degree of desirability, small insignificant humans strive to achieve the perfect state of beauty, in hope to becoming less insignificant. Given that such forces are unavoidable, the athletic department need not worry. If the athletic requirement is reduced, students will still work out. Being in shape instantaneously allows humans to feel better about themselves, as if they can now sell themselves more effectively than they could during an “awkward phase.” Driven by the same strange Cosmopolitan-reading being that fueled Tae-Bo, we cannot escape the animalistic desire to be desirable. This innate force shall guide us through life, or at least to the gym as often as needed to feel healthy and attractive. There is no need for worry that we’ll sit back on our lazy and horizontally expanding behinds if not required to participate in athletics. The current debate surrounds the term, “requirement,” and how much time should be required. There is no need to worry! Our neurotic psychological epidemic will force us onto the treadmill. Some people don’t think they’ll be able to find time to work out. We will. We must, or else we will simply fall behind in a sex-driven culture. Of course, the over-achievers of tomorrow certainly cannot stand to fall behind today- or even worse, God forbid- stay single.