Students Caught Digging For Gold: Claim They Were Just Scratching

Early last week, while bathing in Pomps Pond, Old Man Jenkins, a PG for the fourth time this year, literally struck gold when he found several nuggets. When the news reached the Phillips Academy campus, over half the student body left their books behind, hopped on their horse ‘n’ buggies and made their way down to ol’ Pomps, hoping to get rich quick.

Over the weekend, a temporary camp made primarily of Quonset huts sprouted up. The camp has created a ruckus so loud it resonates throughout all five clusters, waking up all the faculty children. Currently, Jenkins is the only student known to have found any gold, but the students continue to sing and dance all night in hopes of getting lucky. Not only is the noise starting to distract the teachers, but to pass the time, students have begun dancing with each other in a way that isn’t respectful to themselves or their faculty chaperones.

Life at the campsite revolves around two student leaders (Co-Pioneers, if you will) whom all of the campers elected because their hats had the most gallons. The duo ordered a plethora of gold pans all the way from the Amazon… dot com.

There’s a disappearing middle here in American politi—errr, gold mining. Fights have already led to fisticuffs, and the crippling shortage of gold is stirring up controversy and regret among those in the camp.

Back on campus, the effects of five cuts per term, personal time and proctor time are being felt as hundreds of students are moving permanently to the pond. Classes are averaging a 1:3 student-to-teacher ratio, and many classes have no students attending at all. With many athletes absent, the sports teams have the worst records in history and Phelps Stadium is averaging 15 spectators per day.

With chaos erupting throughout campus, Mr. Palfrey is looking toward the school Co-Pioneers to convince all of the departed students to come back to campus and restore Andover back to its former glory.

While the pioneers negotiate with the camp’s leaders about students returning to campus, the faculty is coming together on several ideas. Although many teachers are looking for a peaceful approach to roping the students back to campus, the general consensus is literally to rope them. Every rope in the gym is being constructed into a lasso, and the teachers are practicing hog-tying.

Unfortunately, the campers are slowly starting to regret their decisions because they ran out of personal time and now have to make up all of their homework. People are also starting to question whether Old Man Jenkins has become senile in his old age and this whole thing is just Old Man Jenkins being Old Man Jenkins.