Features
Features Prom Roast 2010
By Ben Nichols, Billy Fowkes and B.J. Garry
Published on May 27, 2010 in CXXXIII no. 13Ryan Marcelo ’10 and Calista Small ’10
Grade: 2
This grade should really help Marcelo’s GPA. Alex Du ’10 and Georgia Pelletier ’11
Grade: $100
That’s how much he paid her to say “Yes.”
Eric Sirakian ’10 and Jackie Lender ’11
Grade: 4
Let’s hope they don’t interpret the campaign slogan “Lender a hand” too inappropriately… Luke Duprey ’10 and Shannon Burke ’10
Grade: 3
Luke iz eksited two take Shannin to porm.
B.J. Garry ’10, Dylan Cahill ’10 (cousins) and Ashley Hess ’11, Katie Hess ’11 (sisters)
Grade: 12
[Insert tasteless, incestuous 4-way joke here] Spencer Macquarrie ’10 and Katherine Bouzianis (Guest)
Grade: 1
Based on Spencer, we’re guessing she’s really ugly as well.
Charlie DiGiulian ’10 and Taylor Garden ’11
Grade: 1
Per usual, Charlie is following Spencer.
Helen Lord ’10 and Peter Nelson ’11
Grade: 0
Really, Helen? Nelson? Oh Lord…
Mia Pecora ’10 and Jay Dolan ’11
Grade: 3+
Sorry, Mia. Jay normally doesn’t let people score.
Redmond Colson ’10 and Sayer Mansfield ’10
Grade: 3-
Sayer’s going to...
Prom Fun Facts
By Features Editors Cxxxiii
Published on May 27, 2010 in CXXXIII no. 13The “Leave Room for Jesus” Rule was deemed unconstitutional in the famous 1987 Supreme Court case Sexually Frustrated Teenagers vs. Saint Christopher. Just like your father, prom will let you down. Studies have shown that, on average, a girl attending prom will take 7,302 photographs of her, her friends and/or her date. The guys in this photo shoot will feel as comfortable as a moose at an NRA meeting. Seventy-two percent of girls over-do their hair and makeup for their most momentous high school occasion and end up looking like Rosie O’Donnell in a two-piece. PROM is actually an acronym that stands for “Pleasurable Recreation fOr Mormons”
Chuck Norris invented prom. B*tch. No one has ever looked back on prom and said, “Man, do I regret buying all that ecstasy!”
Ferris Bueller did not attend his prom. He is way too cool. Prom is best when it’s allowed to...
Prom Mad Lib
By Features Editors Cxxxiii
Published on May 27, 2010 in CXXXIII no. 13When I arrived at ’s (sexy name of person of opposite gender) house, I was delighted to see that he/she was looking fine as a(n) (place). His/her dad gave me this long talk about how I shouldn’t put my (noun) anywhere near his daughter’s/son’s (body part). He didn’t have to worry though, because this guy/girl was a last minute thing. My original date ran off to (African country) to “figure things out.” We soon left and drove to campus to meet our friends and the buses. My friend (name of person of same gender) wore a (flamboyantly gay article of clothing). I was all like, “what the (four-letter expletive)!” He told me how his date already gave him a (body part) job on the walk to the buses and how (synonym for awesome) it was. The bus ride was a bit _____(negative adjective), even though my friend...
A Prom Dialogue: When Your Alcoholic Cousin is Your Last Option
By Colton Demsey and Ricky Goldstein
Published on May 27, 2010 in CXXXIII no. 13….Phone rings….
CHASTITY: Hello?
AARON: Hey Chastity, it’s me, Aaron.
CHASTITY: Hey Eric! How’ve you been? I haven’t seen you since Aunt Debbie’s wedding.
AARON: I’ve been good, and it’s Aaron. Remember? Your cousin? I have a question. What are you doing next weekend?
CHASTITY: Probably meeting with my probation officer about my recent DUI. Did those second graders crossing the street honestly expect me to stop for them? You can’t stop for children when you’re being chased by cops with a kilo of blow and a trunk full of illegally smuggled South American tropical birds in your trunk. I’m lucky they didn’t do a cavity search, though. But I’ll probably skip it. What did you have in mind?
AARON: Well it’s my senior prom, and nearly everyone has a date. I was going to go with the school nurse, but she backed out when she realized she would miss an airing of...
Trying to Get Lucky on Prom Night? we thought so... and this guide is for you
By Scott Cuthell
Published on May 27, 2010 in CXXXIII no. 13Advice for guys:
Drown yourself in cologne. If your date can’t locate you in the dark by smell then something is wrong.
Assless chaps are a great way of subtly letting your date know you’re up for a little after-prom action.
Spray tans tell girls that you are always doing your best to look good, even if you don’t live in Florida.
Go commando and “forget” to zip up your fly after going to the bathroom.
Roofies are lots of fun. Pop one in your drink, and let the night get crazy. I don’t really remember what I did when I took them, but my date said that we got crazy.
Complimenting your date is a faux pas. Instead, call her fat. By undermining your date’s self-esteem you are only increasing your own chances.
Nothing is more romantic than the back of a coach bus. If the back seat is taken then the bathroom...
Things Overheard at Prom
By Features Editors Cxxxiii
Published on May 27, 2010 in CXXXIII no. 13“No wait. This is my favorite Lady Gaga song”
“Here’s that punch you asked for... Oh don’t worry about that white powder.”
“Wow, this boat sure is stable!”
“No, that’s not a roll of quarters.”
“I only hope the actual event can live up to the awesomeness of that bus ride up.”
“If only Massie were here...”
“This is at least one and a half times better than Gelb. And there’s only one floor!”
“I should’ve read that ‘Getting Lucky’ guide in Features.”
“Sex?”
“You look nice.”...
Class of '11 Angry at Class of '10 for Graduating
“Who died and gave them the right to abandon us like this?”
By Jesse Bielasiak
Published on May 20, 2010 in CXXXIII no. 12An outcry unheard of since the famous “Wounded Walrus” scandal has erupted on campus as Uppers have denounced the Senior class for their insincere attempts to graduate and move on to college.
The Uppers feel as though their Proctors and Captains are abandoning them in the midst of the time when they need each other most, in the midst of the “Upper gauntlet: Upper fall and Senior spring.”
“I can’t believe [my proctor] Jane,” said Julianna Krysalawt ’11, “It’s so unlike her to just desert me like this. Whatever will I do?”
A feeling of uneasiness and helplessness has permeated through all of the Upper class. Students have described these feelings as “a pit of blackness in my soul” and “like chainsawing a newborn puppy.”
The Seniors have been, for the most part, surprised at the outrage over their graduation. “I don’t know what the deal is,” said Larry Thomas ’10....
Rise in Allergies Fuels Anti-Green Fires: Mother Nature Tops PA's Hit List
By Scott Cuthell
Published on May 20, 2010 in CXXXIII no. 12A recent increase in pollen and other allergens has lead to a surge in anti-green sentiment on campus. The increase in allergens, brought on by the blooming of the campus’ trees and flowers, has caused a wave of runny noses, itchy eyes, and hives. With so many students and faculty suffering, a witch-hunt to find someone or something to blame has taken hold of campus. A resounding number of students have found a guilty party in the form of nature. “It’s clear who is to blame,” said one freshman, fighting to speak through a waterfall of snot, “it’s all the damn trees and flowers on campus.” Many students seem to share the opinion that nature is to blame. With the recent emphasis on the “Blue Goes Green” campaign, many students have found a target for their anger and frustration. “I recycle, I turned off my lights during...
Commons Prepares to Use Leftovers for Last Week of School
Students Ready Their Stomachs for a Fight Against Shepherd’s Pie
By Andrew Wilson
Published on May 20, 2010 in CXXXIII no. 12This week, Paresky Commons officially started to save the leftover food for the final week of school.
Towards the end of each term, Paresky staff plans three weeks in advance for their attempt to empty all of their extra stock. Each uneaten burger simply gets ground up and used again in a couple days.
“If you think about it, it’s really a great idea. I mean we are green, reduce waste, and don’t have to deal with all this at the end of the year,” said Commons Manager Bob Bill.
While he is correct in the thought that Paresky’s efforts are conserving energy, many students seem to avoid the leftover food, reducing nutrition at PA. The school nutritionist said, “It really is a paradox, you know I’m all for going green but our students need their daily serving of really rare, obscure veggies, and they simply can’t get that with...
Prom Horror Tales: Broken Hearts Only Part of the Story
By Rolton Dempstein
Published on May 20, 2010 in CXXXIII no. 12Prom season is afoot here at Phillips Academy, and we took it upon ourselves to find out what goes on during this lust-filled time. Many seniors are put under the immense pressure of asking their dates in elaborate ways. The typical act of getting your friend to call their friend the night before because you were too embarrassed and/or set your standard too high doesn’t usually cut it. However, it is possible to go too far with plots to ask your dream date. Anthony Jamison ‘10 suffered multiple fractures, a ruptured spleen and a broken spirit after a stunt last Sunday asking Susie Lemona to prom. “I knew I had to go big asking Susie to prom,” said Jamison. “I hardly know her and she is way out of my league, so I had to compensate with a highly dangerous and illegal stunt. I got the idea...