Features
Dear Diary
By —Will Adams
Dear Diary,
OMG I had the greatest Sadie night everrrrr. I went with Jason, that cute kid in my math class. I finally had the courage to ask him during lunch one day. He was sitting with all of his “bros” when I asked. He said “No,” but I think that’s, like, German for “absolutely,” and he just wanted to flaunt his linguistic skills. He’s so smart! I was thrilled; especially because I would be able to wear that gorgeous dress I picked out over the summer. It made the sales clerk grimace when she saw it, which meant that I HAD to have it. So anyway, Jason said yes and I jumped up and down and yelped for joy. All of his friends started laughing, probably because they were so happy for Jason. We had planned for him to pick me up at my dorm on the night...
Craigslist > Boston
It's like a yard sale on the internet
By —Ben Prawdzik
Looking for Love: 37, m, Boston
I’m looking for the woman of my dreams. I have had a few dating experiences in the past, all of which have been unsuccessful and resulted in minor to severe flesh wounds. I enjoy walks, movies, music, eating out, spanking—really whatever it is that you’re into.
For the past four years, I have worked in the Bay Area for a real estate broker. My apartment has a great view of the Charles and it’s a five-minute subway ride from downtown. I’m looking for someone who wants to build a serious relationship, not just a one night thing.
There is one aspect about me that has deterred some possible love interests in the past- I weigh 750 pounds and lost both of my arms in a freak Easy Bake Oven accident. I will need you to feed, clothe and bathe me on a daily basis,...
the features office
By —Kenny Gould
MEMO: This week, the Features Section will be offering an exclusive sneak peak at what goes on behind the scenes here at the Features office. So enjoy as you spend your 9 to 5 with the most obnoxious coworkers on campus! All plagiarized Michael Scott/Office Space jokes are purely coincidental. Dear Management,
I thought you might be able to help me with a little problem I have. As you may or may not know, I was diagnosed with a terrible and debilitating illness this past fall. Tyler approached me about three weeks ago and told me that he could cure me if I took some of his magic pills. He said they were given to him by Jesus himself. When I took the pills, I fell right asleep, and when I woke up, I felt a little better. However, I do not believe I am fully cured yet....
Straight Out Da Rule Book
Fun with Office Etiquette
By Greg Hanafin
The following are excerpts from the Features Office Rule Book. All rules must be abided by between the hours of 9am and 6pm every day. Otherwise, we don’t give a hootenanny what you do with your time.
Sick Days
Every employee is allowed a total of seven sick days each year. Excluded from the list of excusable sicknesses are (in no particular order): scrapes, cuts, colds, broken bones, fevers, goose bumps, the flu, lyme disease, strep throat, being hit by a moving vehicle, tuberculosis, malaria, typhoid, yellow fever, measles, mumps, leprosy, weakness due to kryptonite, pneumonia, pregnancy, AIDS, smallpox, insomnia, influenza, anthrax and the bubonic plague. If you believe your life is in danger, please contact the office and we will assess the situation if there is time available. Only then will you be excused.
Lunch Break
Your choice of either Tuesday or Thursday, from 3:15 to 3:20. Chicken or Fish....
'Round the Water Cooler...
Enlightening Conversations about Office Supplies
By —Ryan Yost
Employee Lounge
Joe: Hey, Sam. Can I talk to you for a minute?
Sam: Sure, Joe. What’s on your mind?
Joe: Did you by any chance take a peach, fruit-on-the-bottom yogurt from the fridge, Sam?
Sam: Uh, no. Of course I didn’t. I know how much you love your yogurt. Everyone does. Your threatening emails made it very apparent that you have a passion for yogurt.
Joe: If everyone knows, then why did some bum steal one of my yogurts?
Sam: I don’t know. Just take it easy.
Joe: I come in here every day and work my little caboose off, trying to make this world a better place. I don’t ask for praise or thanks, but for the enjoyment of a little peach, fruit-on-the-bottom yogurt during my lunch break. Sam: I don’t really think you make the world a better place. You write warning labels for child-sized rifles!
Joe: Don’t push me, Sam. I’ve...
Top Ten
Cubicle Accessories
By Features
2009 “At-A-Glance” Calendar: Dogs in Costumes
Mug reaffirming that you are the World’s Best Dad
An especially funny “Family Circus” from last Tuesday’s paper
Signed photograph of you with Tony Danza 6. Your mother’s ashes
Women in the Workplace: Where “no” really means “no”
The Tamagotchi that you’ve kept alive for 12 years
Second Floor Minesweeper Championship 2005 Plaque 2. Your paper clip that looks like the Virgin Mary
Your kid’s ugly drawing of your family...
If You Like: Christian Rock, Johann Sebastian Bach, or Deep Lyrics...
By Andrew Wilson
Tha Carter III by Lil Wayne not only contains many deep, underlying themes, but it also addresses in a mature, educated fashion many of the problems that face today’s society. In addition to demonstrating his depth, Lil Wayne truly shows his literary genius through the use of words like “shczerp,” in the song “Lollipop,” and “su-woop,” which appears in “Mr. Carter.” While these phrases and words certainly demonstrate his creativity and thoughtfulness, Lil Wayne is also one of the few artists today who searches for deeper meanings and uses them in his artistic creations. Rather than listening to his songs for their catchy phrases and sly beats, people will listen to Tha Carter III because it offers a trip into the depths of the human soul that no other artist has dared to embark on.
Lil Wayne, like other musicians, expresses his political views in his songs, but...
Musings with Willian J. Fowkes
By William J. Fowkes
Curiosity did not kill the cat. A Ford F-350 did.
If there actually is a God, and this so-called God does love us, then why do we only have one belly button?
You know what sounds like a good, easily marketable idea? Hideous rubber shoes with giant, circular holes in them. Yeah, I think I’ll make those.
If I could go any place in the world, I would definitely go inside the genius mind of Coach Michael Ditka. Or to Guam.
I always wonder whether or not the chicken used a crosswalk.
The old saying “You don’t get something for nothing” seems like it should be a slogan for a brothel.
I’m pretty sure that even if The New Yorker had no words in it, pompous self-centered morons would still open it in public and pretend to be reading.
If I had to choose two words to describe myself, they would be lactose intolerant.
I...
So What's the Word? On Andover/Exeter Weekend
By —Greg Hanafin
“Don’t you just love it when two primary colors collide in epic displays of athletic performance? No? Where are you going?”
“I wonder if this athletic center doubles as a fallout shelter, too.”
“Excuse me, those gummy sharks are not to be used as weapons! What? No, they can’t be used as an alternative to scotch tape, either! What are you doing to that wall? Cut that out! Take that poster down immediately!”
“Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one! Damn! I did it again!”
“Quick, grab that computer! I can’t believe these dumb kids –
they leave their doors unlocked every year.”
“Some kid just called me a catboner. What does that even mean? Honestly, should I feel insulted? Because to be honest, I kind of liked it.”
“Hey! I just noticed something. Both of our schools have the same name! Isn’t that funny? I think it’s funny. Stop laughing...
Andover Cheers That Didn't Make The Cut
By — Jesse Bielasiak-Robinson, Sam Weiss, Ryan Yost
We’ve got power,
We’ve got force,
Our endowment is slightly bigger than yours!
One, two, three, four
Our team is about to score!
Five, six, seven, eight
Your team is bad!
Sports! Sports! Goooooo Sports!
Yes, yes, yes we do,
… haha, we said “doo”
Harkness, what? Harkness Table!
Harkness, what? Harkness Table!
We are Andover,
We are it,
We think your team plays poorly.
We can wear jeans!
We can wear jeans!
What can you wear?!
Khakis or other trousers made of materials specified in your school’s charter.
What do we eat? What do we eat? Red Meat! Red Meat!
How do we like it??? Medium rare with a side of fries and some béarnaise sauce… And a Caesar salad before that… And for dessert, how about a crème brulee? Man I’m hungry!
One, we are the Big Blue!
Two, a little bit louder
Three, I still can’t hear you
Four, oh no I think I’m deaf
Five, no really I can’t hear you
Six, please speak up, are you messing with...