Features
A Student-Teacher Conference . . . The Funny Kind
By Colton Dempsey
Mrs. Caulderhill: Hello little Jonathan. What are you drawing today?
Jonathan: It’s you!
Mrs. Caulderhill: Oh, isn’t that sweet. Am I supposed to be swimming with dolphins?
Jonathan: Actually, it’s you in shark-infested waters. Can’t you see the razor sharp teeth made for ripping and tearing apart human flesh? I even drew them facing inwards so it would be harder for you to pull yourself away from their deathly grip!
Mrs. Caulderhill: My…that certainly is… imaginative.
Jonathan: Yeah. I imagine things with you all the time. I actually have a collection. I call this one, “The Wrong Alleyway in the Wrong Part of Detroit.” And this one is, “Mrs. Caulderhill Goes on a Walk in Hostile Bosnia.” Mrs. Caulderhill: Wow. You really don’t spare any details, do you? Anyway, I would like to talk to you about your decision to bring in your goat for show-and-tell. I find it strange that you...
A Disconcerting Letter Home . . . From Your Son's Kindergarten Teacher
By Ricky Goldstein
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Applebomb,
Hello. It’s me, Mrs. Caulderhill, again. Unfortunately, I’ve been having more problems with your son Jonathan. Nothing that I do seems to stop him from misbehaving. I have tried it all: I have changed the seating around so that his desk is placed in the corner of the room facing the wall, I have arranged it so that he eats lunch alone in an isolated math classroom. I even took away all of his weapons, including his number-two-pencil-spear-of-death and his ultrasticky tape of containment. I am out of ideas. I simply do not know how to respond to his acts of terror against the classroom. Today, Jonathan crawled around the room, taping the ends of all of the girl’s hair to their desks. He then switched the signs of the girls’ and boys’ bathrooms. After which, he snuck into the cafeteria kitchen and...
An Eventful DC Hearing
By Ben Nichols
Cluster Dean: Hey, Bill. We can get started in a second. We’re just having a quick chat right now.
Bill: Yeah, take your time. It’s not like Lost is on in a few minutes or anything… Can I take a cut or use personal time? I know it’s not within the 24 hour mark, but please?
Dean: This is not a class: it is a meeting between you and I, the student reps, and the faculty to decide your future.
Bill: Yeah, good to know the guy who got elected DC rep because he roused the crowd by doing the Macarena instead of giving a speech gets to have a say in this.
Dean: We’ll be right with you.
Five Minutes Later
Dean: Come on in. This is Bill Ding. Bill, I believe you know Mr. Ruggles, the faculty representative and of course, your house counselor, Mr. Bates. Bill: Is Mr. Ruggles the...
The Golden Years: "Screw manhood. Babyhood is where it's at."
By Andrew Schlager
Pot Pourri e-mailed me recently. As I stared at the unopened e-mail, a whole host of thoughts rushed through my head. The first being, “Why is this book called pot pourri?” A few keystrokes and clicks later, my curiosity still remained unanswered. Perhaps those who created the book meant to reference Akrobatisches Potpourri, the 1895 German silent documentary directed by Emil Skladanowsky. The subject of the film: a family of eight circus performers. This answer was unlikely considering the film’s run time is six seconds. Maybe the creators were alluding to a mixture of dried and naturally fragrant plant remains called a potpourri, which was used as the “Febreeze” of 17th century France. I came to the correct conclusion about why this particular title was chosen when I stumbled upon the most current definition of the word: Potpourri (n) – a miscellaneous collection
All this thinking about yearbooks...
Unorthodox Olympic Game: The Games That Didn't Quite Make the Cut
By Ricky Goldstein
Ice Sculpting: Although this sport was just short of making the list for this year’s Olympic games, it is a vigorous sport that relies on strong hand eye coordination, along with a demand of endurance and teamwork. The board did not see Ice Sculpting as a sport that embodies the true spirit of the games. While interviewing the head coach of the Russian Ice Sculpting squad, Victor Drakonskvilashnikos, I asked him how he felt about the decision to not include Ice Sculpting in this year’s winter games: “It is an outrage. Ice Sculpting embodies three of the vital aspects of Russian culture and society: cutting, smashing and destroying.” I also recently spoke with the Mexican Ice Sculpting team’s captain, Antonio Rodriguez, who also was unhappy with the decision. He said, “Our team had to train long and hard to prepare for the Olympics in hopes that they...
Memorable Winter Olympic Moments: Chills, Thrills and Kills
By Emily Adler
776 BCE: The first Olympic games are held in Olympia, Greece where Socrates and Pluto are stuffed into a locker by all the cool jocks. 772 BCE: Socrates and Pluto return after training with Ajax and Hercules. They mercilessly kick everyone’s derriere. 1976: Figure skating pair has a mix-up, and accidentally switches partners. “I knew I wasn’t lifting Sheila as soon as I tried to twirl her over my head, and looked up to see a middle-aged man wearing glitter wink at me,” said one of the skaters involved.
1980: In tough economic times, medals are swapped for Hanukkah gelt. “So that’s whose been going into my stash...,” Israel’s Rubinsky said, nodding.
1984: Announcer of ski race mistranslates, leaving spectators from foreign countries bewildered. “This miscommunication resulted in multiple angry phone calls from the native Parseltongue speakers,” said NBC’s producer.
1988: In luge’s first year as part of the Olympic...
Top Ten Ways to Win Green Cup Challenge
By Features Staff
For fewer dishes, share eating utensils with the sick bay at Isham. 9. Eat veggies. How does this save energy? Good question.
Cut back on watching LOST. They will never leave the island. Deal with it. 7. Plug in a particle accelerator on the Exeter campus.
Become intimate with an easily-manipulated electrician.
“If it’s yellow let it mellow, if it’s brown flush it down.”
Turn down your heat and buy a snuggie. Now in fluorescent rainbow!
Keep the lights on while you sleep so you don’t use them during the day.
Shower in foursomes! If three’s a crowd, then four’s a party
Turn the lights off during “private time.”...
Athletic Spotlight: Mongolian Curling Duo
By Colton Dempsey
This winter’s athlete spotlight is the Mongolian curling duo Baatarsaikhan Dorjpalam and Ghengis Bataaraaaarafalaa. This is their first time to come to the Olympic games and they are actually the very first representatives from Mongolia to participate in curling; a sport that has been unofficially dubbed by some people as the most physically grueling and mentally challenging ice-based game of them all. I was only able to speak to Baatarsaikhan, as Ghengis does not speak English.
Q: Now tell me, how was it growing up as a curler in Mongolia?
It was very unusual for Mongolian boys like us to start curling. Our friends, who were more concerned with playing traditional Mongolian sports such as “ice eating”, “horse carrying” and “smashing hard things”, constantly ridiculed us. However, Ghengis and I persevered. We are naturally gifted with specific talents that make us an unstoppable force in the curling world. I...
Apple Releases New "iMad"
By Andrew Wilson
On February 15, 2010, Apple released another new product: the iMad. The iMad is a personal touch screen computer, designed with the purpose of relieving stress.
The iMad looks exactly like the new iPad. However, instead of being used for entertainment, the iMad is used for people to calm down. One of the heads of the design process said, “The iMad is a simple concept really. It helps people relieve stress built up by the inability to use other Apple products.”
“Now it may seem that all this product does is suggest ways to take anger out on other Apple products, forcing customers to buy new products,” said Steve Jobs. “But this is simply not the case. We may make millions manipulating the world, but we do it for the entertainment pleasure of the people.”
Quite ironically, there have been many instances of malfunctioning iMads. According to a recent poll,...
Harvard Study Shows Americans Watch Figure Skating for the Falls
By Robert Palmer
Shocking research from Harvard has concluded that the majority of America has no interest in the sport of figure skating, yet watches the Olympic events in hopes of seeing crashes. Harvard professor, Dr. Ivan Von Stoinkenburger, said, “To be honest, we weren’t very surprised by the results. Let’s be real, does anyone care if the tiny French girl lands her triple axel double salchow jump? Does anyone understand what I just said? No, on both accounts. The numbers don’t lie: people only watch figure skating for the failures.”
Legendary figure skater Sasha Brohen said, “Statistics don’t reflect the real nature of the sport. Figure skating is more than just epic fails. I mean, it’s got jumps and spins and stuff like that.”
A casual fan of the sport, Bob DuBrow, said, “When I’m watching TV, I’m watching either NASCAR or WWE. See a pattern emerging here? Nothing gets me...