Hello, fellow scholars! We here at Phillips Exeter Academy are both ecstatic and slightly surprised that you have decided to consider PEA for your secondary school education. If you are one of our many applicants who mistakenly thought that PEA was a vegetable breeding institute, you have come to the wrong place. To the other five percent, welcome! We have fantastic news this year: we had a 100 percent acceptance rate this year! No other private boarding school in New England can claim this. Because the academy wants all 20 of you to come more than anything, we here at the admissions office have been granted permission to fully recruit each student to the best of our abilities.
All new applicants can expect a visit from our very own head master, Ted! Ted has a very prestigious résumé; he went to Harvard. Although he was later kicked out because “you’re not actually allowed to go the classes if you just live nearby,” we’re still very proud that Ted decided to become part of the Exeter family. Not only will Ted come and visit, but he will also gladly do any chore the applicant in question asks of him. For example, last year Ted donated both of his Kidneys to an applicant who “really wanted to know if one kidney was the same color as the others.” Oh Exeter students, always asking questions.
Furthermore, any new student who actually decides to come will get a gift basket that includes but is not limited to: scented candles, multiple bags of Fritos, assorted puppies, whittling kit (so you can do it yourself!), season passes to the WNBA, sneakers, Phillips Academy Andover gear (so cool!), magnets, bubbles, home-knit underwear and as many bricks as you can fit in a regulation wheelbarrow. With something this good, how can anyone say no? Seriously though, we really want to know. Last year, only one person accepted, a young man named Edgar Tinkypinky, actually enrolled. And he did it because “he really could go for some Fritos right now.”
Finally, due to our history of valuing academics over sports, any student who can do upwards of 10 jumping jacks will be enshrined in the PEA athletic hall of fame. Although it’s not a big deal, at least it’s something you can put on your college application! God knows you’ll need it.