The Phillipian

On February 15, 2010, Apple released another new product: the iMad. The iMad is a personal touch screen computer, designed with the purpose of relieving stress.

The iMad looks exactly like the new iPad. However, instead of being used for entertainment, the iMad is used for people to calm down. One of the heads of the design process said, “The iMad is a simple concept really. It helps people relieve stress built up by the inability to use other Apple products.”

“Now it may seem that all this product does is suggest ways to take anger out on other Apple products, forcing customers to buy new products,” said Steve Jobs. “But this is simply not the case. We may make millions manipulating the world, but we do it for the entertainment pleasure of the people.”

Quite ironically, there have been many instances of malfunctioning iMads. According to a recent poll, over 70% of iMad users have experienced frozen screens and other malfunctions.

In one case, a customer’s iMad froze, so he continued to drop it out of the window of his fifth floor office. When asked about the incident, he said, “Well, when you’re mad at computers you really just have to smash one. And nothing smashes one like an array of 50 foot falls.”

When asked about the common defects in his new products, Jobs said, “Why would I make a product that is meant to relieve stress about Apple products and then have that stress-relieving product cause further stress? It’s not like I’m trying to get people to endlessly purchase and destroy my products. That would be ridiculous and make me way too much money.”

The iMad has also been found helpful for other stress-inducing activities. The “Monk Chant” app relieves all types of stress, by soothing the body with repetitive throat singing.

Those with very little stress see it as a pointless invention. Johnny Stressfree said, “I really think that the iMad is pointless. If I wanted to become stress-free, all I would do is listen to soothing music on my new iPod Touch or right in my personal Mac laptop journal.”

Johnny Stressfree quickly bought an iMad to cope with his stress over the iMad.

The head of a major app company said, “We here at App Enterprises love the iMad. It has given us the ability to sell otherwise completely useless apps, like our “Insults to Say to Weird People to Feel Better About Yourself” app, which previously brought in only six dollars. Now it has made us over 300,000 dollars.”

All in all, the iMad seems to be the product of the future. It is great for personal use, use in the work area and is now being used in anger management classes. Even a remake of Adam Sandler’s “Anger Management” is finishing production, featuring Sandler and the iMad.

According to the CEO, “The iMad is our most successful product since the iPad. We think this might be popular for over a year. But then again, we can’t set our hopes too high.”