Phillipian Satire: Benefits of the Alumni Network

Graduating from Andover doesn’t just give you a valuable diploma, it rewards you with an unrivaled global network of first-class connections. Here are a few alumni perks they don’t tell you about:

• Beautiful island in the Caribbean, just a private flight away
• Foreign arms deals
• A non-responsive email address
• Exclusive university clubs (better start working on your squash game)
• Unpaid labor
• The keys to several private prisons
• A cell-mate with a similar pedigree in many of New York’s low-security prisons
• A once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to invest in a premier cloud-based blockchain software creative tech fund that will change the world
• Sperm donation
• The meaning of life from the perspective of a ’72 whose biggest hardship was recovering from an ACL surgery during his football season
• An invite to a frat party, but it’s a religious frat (recent alum) 
• Good times

If that’s not enough reason to make it through History 300, we’re stumped! 

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