The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Week’s Top Headlines (Valentine’s Day)

Elson Art Center Closes Early On Valentine’s Day Because Performing Arts Belong Elsewhere

Addison Art Gallery Finally Sells Ugly Sculptures to Make Up for Lost Funds to NFT Ponzi Scheme

Blue Key Head Complains About Working Conditions After Giving 50 Freshmen Lap Dances in Commons

Couples Go Extra Hard on the PDA To Inspire the Pitiful Singles

Senior Puts More Effort Into Securing Prom Date Than Their Long Distance Relationship

Instagram Censors Couple Photos After Large Amounts of Single People Boycott Meta Platforms

Peer Tutors Named Least Helpful Things Since Sykes Counselors 

Are You Really Aesthetic If You Don’t Do Work In the Addison? The Debate Continues

As Flip Flop Weather Approaches, Many Students of the Male Population Have Started The Process of Making Their Toes as Gross as Possible