Anonymous sources within several past presidents’ offices have confirmed that they were approached this past week by Exeter’s headmaster Lisa MacFarlane to come to campus and accept an honorary diploma, despite a total absence of connection with the school. One staffer told the Exonian, “I got a call from a raspy, haunted voice that kept rambling on about ‘rubbing it in that stupid gorilla’s face’. It wasn’t until I calmed the caller down by reciting the quadratic formula that I realized who it was and what they wanted”.
The trustees have been formulating a strategic plan to give Big Red its first presidential alumni but even one trustee had to admit, “We are really scraping the bottom of the barrel now”. This is just the latest in a series of passes at ex-presidents, previous ones include complimentary go-karting trips, foot massages, and personalized sonnets.
Dean of Students Josh Calmary said “This unchecked box on the school’s resume has been eating away at Lisa, she doesn’t even enjoy looking at a live feed of our endowment anymore, and when we put her food bowl in front of her she can’t even muster the energy to hiss at it like before”. Exeter might not have a president to boast about, but we do have other stuff, for sure, like cool secrety stuff that we aren’t allowed to write about.
