While many students on campus will have to take Blue Key Head kisses as their closest encounter to true love, students in Mr. Valentine’s Biology 600 course have already discovered how to truly make the heart tick: they successfully performed open heart surgery on a snaggle-toothed homeless man/townie earlier this week in the spirit of Valentine’s Day. The surgery, led by Alfred Dumbledore, Mary Goldilocks and Abraham Lincoln, was “remotely-supervised” by Mr. Patrick Valentine himself (who was still stuck in Los Angeles at the time thanks to Nemo). When asked why the class decided to do an open heart surgery, Goldilocks said, “Well, a lot of us were feeling lonely for Valentine’s Day, and we decided that there would be no better way to cheer ourselves up than celebrating the true vitality of the heart! Also, I frequently, as a forever-single member of the Lonely Hearts Club, have an urge to rip out somebody’s heart, and this was the perfect opportunity!” The students gathered all their equipment from the biology and chemistry stockrooms and found some stale old Perfecto’s bagels for the specimen to bite down on during the surgery. Mr. Valentine, supposedly surprised by the students’ decision to perform open heart surgery, but contractually obligated to support them, declined to comment on the surgery. He explained, however, that in his contract, he is permitted to oversee surgeries on non-students. The open heart surgery was historic in more than one facet; not only was this the youngest group of surgeons to successfully perform open heart surgery, but also the students were the first surgeons in the world to utilize garden hoses as artificial arteries. “The patient’s aorta was totally clogged up, but luckily Abe had a spade and a garden hose in the trunk of his Prius. He’s really doing a great job saving the world, for not only does he drive a Prius, but he also plans on sending his garden hoses to third-world countries so that everyone can have arteries,” said Stew Dent ’13 when asked about how the group created makeshift blood vessels. After the surgery, the patient, named Oliver Everything, was breathing, which is typically healthy. He has yet to come out of his coma, but we wish him a speedy recovery.
