I am a typical Exonian: a soulless, truant delinquent. Here are a few of the heinous crimes my classmates and I have committed:
I supported divestment in an unfruitful attempt to discount stock prices for potential investors.
I pumped Adderall into the school’s water supply to fix the student’s work ethic.
During winter A/E last year, I snuck into an Andover lowerclassmen dorm to freak some Freshmen out. It was awesome.
When I got in trouble for drinking, the Deans told me they would turn their heads the other way if I hacked into Niche to change our ranking from fourth to first.
“I joined Exeter this fall as a football post-graduate and Have not Eaten a singLe real meal, I am sPoon-fed protein power laced with anabolic steroids, MorEover, I have yet to take a single class” – Anonymous Exeter Student ’25
Someone got expelled from Exeter because they helped an Andover student with their math homework. Biggest mistake ever.
“I lit up in one of the Andover dorms during A/E, and got some random kid kicked out. Poor kid, best high of my life” – Anonymous Exeter Student ’25
“I spray painted and defaced the ‘largest high school library’ in the country. Big Whoop.” – Anonymous Exeter Student ’27
