The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: An Open Letter From The Scheduling Office

Dear Students of Phillips Academy, 

We know this past year has been a tough time for all of you because of Covid-19, but we at the scheduling office need to express our frustration. Remote learning has turned you people into lazy brats! As an office we have gotten an insane increase in requests for schedule changes, 4,378 requests to be exact. Yes, we’re sure remote learning over the winter semester must have been difficult. Rolling over in bed for class and logging into Zoom was hard for you and even harder for your teachers who had to look at your bed-head and PJs at 3 p.m. Honestly, we don’t care that you now have to get up for an 8 a.m. or 9 a.m. class and are tired of your moaning. We know you probably had breakfast placed right in front of you with care before your first class last term and this term you have to trek all the way to your common room, stand in front of a microwave, and God forbid maybe make small talk with that girl who walked in on you in the bathroom last week. “But We Need More Sleep.” Go to bed earlier then! Don’t stay up for them, they sent that “wyd” selfie to your roommate too. Sorry, babe. If you absolutely need a change and decide to email us, please at least make it a good excuse. We have heard so many: 

“You do not understand how long my makeup routine takes; I cannot have an 8 a.m. class.”

“My family gives a building, and I get a morning class? I don’t think that’s how it works.” 

“All of my friends live in Cali and I have to stay up till 3 a.m. earliest, and waking up for a 9:20 class is killing me.”

“If I have class at 9 p.m. then all of my dreams will be about physics.”

As this letter wraps, we want to say in the nicest way possible, you get what you get and you don’t get upset. We need sleep too. 

With Love,

The Office of Scheduling