Phillipian Satire: Time Capsule Discovered In the Sanctuary: Here’s What We Found

In the depths of Andover’s crowning jewel, the Cochran Bird Sanctuary, a time capsule, dated back to the 1970s, was discovered by enterprising students last Saturday evening.

“What were we doing there on a weekend night? Uhh… just appreciating the plants, I guess,” said Tony Adams ’18, Co-Captain of Andover Boys Lacrosse.

The capsule garnered the attention of teachers, students, and amateur historians alike, who gathered together Sunday to unearth its contents. Over Big Blue Smoothies and lukewarm coffee in the weird room in between Upper Right and Upper Left, the crowds breathlessly awaited as Head of School John Palfrey opened the battered manila folder.

“This is big. I’ve waited my whole life for something like this. This could be the key to understanding the dynamics of Andover in the 1970s, a missing part of the history of Massachusetts, our nation, the world even…Why, this is more exciting than Fajita Night at Paresky Commons,” said Lucile Gloss, the Vice President and sole member of Andover’s resident Anthropology Club.

However, to the crowds dismay, all the folder contained was a couple dirty granola bar wrappers, a deflated whoopee cushion, an Earth, Wind & Fire record, and a sticky envelope. Using high-grade, technologically advanced tools like a Paresky Commons butter knife and their hands, historians were able to extract a letter from the envelope and read it aloud.

The letter read as follows:

“Dear Enterprising T.U.B. Applicants: If you’re reading this, congratulations! You have NOT been accepted. Next time, try to come up with a better prank than putting a bunch of soda in front of the library. Our esteemed name will never stoop to that level of insignificance and downright rabble-rousing.

I mean, were you even trying, Gavin? Coca-Cola during finals is just preposterous. Try harder next time.”

“An in-depth historical analysis of this letter might prove several different things,” said Gloss. “The students of the past expected far more from us than this. Once upon a time, such a thing as leaving drinks outside the library might have been seen as frivolous and weak. Today? Not quite the same reaction. We’ve become used to poor effort and we’re too easily pleased.”  At press time, Palfrey was overheard trying to take Gloss’ analysis in a political direction: “citizens of the past, present and future.”