Phillipian Satire: A Spring Break Inspired FanFic: Chad Falls in ‘Love’

Spring break incites a plethora of different emotions for all of its goers. Some catch up on a book they have so eagerly anticipated to explore. The inviting sweet and musty smell wafts into the welcoming face of this vacationer — what a thrill! Others explore unfamiliar corners of the earth, namely the cultured beaches of Cancun or Atlantis. Andover truly represents youth from every corner.

But Chad Bradford ’19, expecting boundless Fortnite wins and an endless supply of Hot Cheetos in the depths of the majestic town of Wilmington, Mass., had a spring break unlike any other. The Eighth Page brings you an exclusive interview with Bradford, where he gave us the low-down on his glittering mirage of a spring break.

As an elite gold exclusive Starbucks community member, Chad heads over to Main Street for his daily Frappuccino on his favorite, and only, means of transportation — his fiery red, solar-powered bicycle. He proudly constructed the bike for a middle school science fair. Expecting to encounter his typical Saturday morning barista, Carl who smells kind of like slightly soured milk, he was instead met by a replacement (Carl had violated the terms of his probation). His neck wrenched at a perfect 30 degree angle for optimal screening, as a Grinch-esque smile glowed across his face. “And just like that, she was the one. Her eyes melted mine. Her smile was the perfect shape of an upside-down crescent moon. Not quite a waning gibbous yet but etching close,” he told us.

The relationship flourished from that moment. “She asked for my name. My name. She might as well have asked for my phone number! She was so shy,” he smiles reminiscently. Trips to the mall, roasting marshmallows by the fire, snow angels in the blizzard: they fell totally in love in just two short weeks.

A natural alpha lion in society, Chad found himself swarmed by his pals, curious to hear about his first love, on Tuesday morning. Unfortunately, she has no social media, they forgot to take any pictures together because they were having so much fun, and she just moved to Australia. He assured them all, however, that she was “like super cool and really pretty and real too.” “She was like a dream,” he whispered.x “All I have left are the memories that I’m going to share with absolutely everyone I can so that the boys will think I’m a real player.”