Video Game Review

Before the school year really gets going, it’s important to know the difference between truly important upcoming events and events people just go to.

Take Grasshopper Night for example. Who really wants to watch a hundred high school cover bands play death metal or obscure classic rock? And with guys unable to say “No,” is Sadie Hawkins really worth all that awkwardness?

No, there are events even more exciting than dances or athletic contests or student talent shows. I’m talking, of course, about video games.

I’m sure plenty of readers are now scoffing at my statement, thinking to themselves, “Wow, what a nerd! What kind of loser thinks video games are cooler than bro-ing out? Let’s go get this kid!”

But video games aren’t just for nerds who fester in their rooms all day, never feeling the warm embrace of sunshine.

Video games are for anyone who’s ever desired an escape from responsibilty or a feeling of accomplishment after a hard day of fruitless work. This, in all likelihood, means video games should be popular with all Andover students.

So come, ye weary and huddled masses! For all your troubles now, there are beacons of light ahead.

Elder Scrolls Skyrim (11/11/11):

This game has got more going for it than just an awesome release date. It is a game with an awesome release date and dragons! If you don’t think having dragons is awesome enough to warrant playing this game, may I remind you that every blockbuster film or video game series ever has had dragons. Pokemon, Shrek and Harry Potter all had dragons, and even Dragontales, which as a kid I thought had some of the most convoluted plots of any children’s TV show, was still immensely popular simply because it had cute, puffy, pink and blue dragons. Except in Elder Scrolls Skyrim you have to kill these aforementioned dragons too. While I may never understand why Shrek never killed the mean reddish purple dragon and allowed it to mate with Donkey, Elder Scrolls lets me mercilessly slaughter any winged reptiles that get in my way. It’s just awesome.

Batman: Arkham City (10/18/11):

As a kid, I had a strong phobia of clowns. I couldn’t understand how the same makeup could be so scary on Halloween and yet be expected to be funny any other day of the year. Once at my birthday party, a clown came out of nowhere. Needless to say, I flipped out and started beating him with a balloon sword he had made earlier. He grabbed the sword to stop me but gripped it too tightly and popped it. Startled, he stumbled and tripped over his comically large shoes and knocked himself out. The reason why I bring this childhood memory back is because I couldn’t help but notice how uncannily this game resembles that traumatic experience. Like me, Batman is out to beat up a clown, The Joker, and won’t stop swinging until the clown is knocked out. Sure, there are other villains as well who are wreaking havoc through Gotham City, but the reason why I’m playing this game is to relive that experience and finally conquer my fear of clowns. But whether you have a fear of clowns or not, you will enjoy this game.

Flipper 2: Flush the Goldfish (9/30/11):

There are just so many things this game has done right. First, just look at the alliteration. “Flipper” and “Flush?” The fine folks who are making this game really know how to come up with a memorable title. Then just look at the price. While the other heavyweights like FIFA 12 cost $60, this game will only cost you $5! And the title alone is so suspenseful. What will this game be about? Is it a heartbreaking facsimile of life, where you nurture a goldfish from an egg to a boisterous, flipper-flapping teen, until in a tragic turn of events the goldfish’s brief life is pulled from underneath it and you must sadly flush it away? Honestly, though I have no idea what this game is about, other people might be interested in these bargain bucket games, and as a fair and balanced journalist I have to include everyone’s interests.

So there you have it. That’s my fall preview of upcoming video games.

I firmly believe video games have the same artistic merit as, say, the Mona Lisa, and are much more fun to interact with. Yet more than that, I think video games are one of the best pressure-free ways to release stress.

There are a lot of great games coming out, and I can’t wait to share my unbiased opinion on all of them.