The Eighth Page

Students Refuse to Dress Appropriately

Spring is here (technically): March 21 has come and gone, yet the cold weather of winter remains. This fact, however, has not deterred students from wearing the pastel shorts, boat shoes and sun dresses typical of warmer climates.

“Flip-flops plus two feet of snow may seem stupid, but spring is spring, you know? Freezing rain is not going to keep me and my bros from playing disc and sunbathing on the Great Lawn. I may be freezing, but my mids make sure that my ankles are always toasty,” said one Senior.

Unsurprisingly, outrage has begun to plague the members of the senior class, who have long awaited their iconic Senior Spring. Colby Munchhauser ’11 said, “I’m not saying that I can’t play tenni-golf in the snow. I can. Like, no notable change in my performance. But I want to get a killer tan while I’m doing it. Ya feel me?”

The administration at first did not take action against students wearing next to nothing in freezing weather, following their typical strategy of “let them do what they want until they break a rule, then fry ’em”. They were eventually forced to do something after one Freshman experienced frost bite on his Speedo Rollerblade Race from the Gym to Dunkin’ Doughnuts.

One cluster dean said, “It was more of a legal obligation than an actual concern for the student. The student was found on the side of the road in nothing but in-line skates and a pink Speedo. And we couldn’t just like…leave him there. His parents would obvi sue.”

Dr. Keller, receiving a number of cases involving the psychological instability of members of the senior class, sent out an email to the entire school warning of the dangers of “Spring Chill,” a condition opposite in nature to that of the more common “Spring Fever.” Here is an excerpt from Dr. Keller’s email:

“Students: be cautious. Your calendar is a liar. It is not yet spring. Due to the abnormally cold weather, the senioritis virus has been unable to properly infect members of the senior class who are typically infected by this time.

This has caused ‘Spring Chill’ to set in, a condition that the Massachusetts Board of Learned Doctors and I have recently deemed as the cause of psychological distress currently seen in many of the Seniors at PA. Symptoms include, but are in no way limited to: Lack of adequate clothing, hallucinations of warmer weather and, in some documented cases, death.”

If you see anyone with these symptoms, refer them to the Isham Health Center immediately or subdue them, gain wrist control, pull out your gun, force them to put on proper attire, then go enjoy the musical stylings of Sir Tom Jones. You earned it.