Why We’re Better Than You

Life is too important to be taken seriously. – Oscar Wilde If we have our facts in order, and we always do (they’re our facts) then we could point out that Oscar Wilde was a child molester. And a drunk. How do we know this? Because we’re better than you. But we’ll get to that later. Acts of sexual promiscuity aside, the man’s words carry an ounce—no, a pound—of truth. Don’t be so serious all the time, says Oscar. Don’t take yourself too seriously, says Oscar. Well, Oscar, we agree with you. We, the editors-in-chief of the rogue publication known as the fake Exonian, Lawrence Dai ’09 and Eli Grober ’09, four-year Seniors and BFFLs, officially propose that the Academy’s new motto should be changed to “lighten up.” That’s right. You heard us. Now, lighten up and listen up. You read the fake Exonian, right? Good. It leads well into our main argument—mainly, why we’re better than you. We’re better than you because we make crude, immature jokes. We try to poke fun at things when it might be considered “taboo” to do so. We photoshop things that aren’t supposed to be photoshopped. We make obscure references and expect you to understand them. We muse about those funny little things that happen to everyone and, predictably, you relate to us. We point out things that are wrong with the world, only to provide no practical solutions. Also, did we mention that we make immature jokes? So there you go. We’re better than you. How much better? That’s not the question at hand. Don’t bother with the technical reasoning behind our logic. Just know that there’s still hope for you yet. Don’t you want to be more than the gunk on the bottoms of our shoes? Unbutton your collar, quit wasting time with those triple knotted laces, take some laxatives and loosen up. Metaphorical laxatives, of course. We would never use such a vile word in its appropriate context. We like creating new uses for words. Why can we do this? We’re better than you. That’s why. You can call us arrogant, you can call us egocentric—narcissistic even. We can’t help it. We just love ourselves too much for any rational person to comprehend. But we have good reason. The fake Exonian was our baby, and like all protective mothers, we are afraid of letting go. We’re afraid that after we’ve left, there won’t be anyone left to take care of it. We’re afraid that it won’t have any friends to play with in grade school and that we won’t be able to afford brand name clothing for it to wear. But more than anything, we’re afraid that our baby won’t grow up in an environment willing to laugh at itself. This is where you come in. It’s your job to find your own Exonian. No, not the ones crumpled on the floor of the mailroom – this is another metaphor. You should be used to these by now. Anyway, we’re not saying go and print twelve pages of the greatest satirical fake news articles that the world has ever seen. You can’t. We already did that. And we’re not saying go and get the administration cramped up with worry. We already did that, too. We’re just saying have some fun. Quit worrying about that history paper and relax for now. Let loose. Chill. Crack jokes—most of all, crack stupid jokes. Put yourself on the line once in a while and do the thing that no one else is willing to do. Hey, if you fall, get back up. And if you fall and break your legs, get a wheelchair. And if the wheelchair gets a flat—well, we can’t help you there. As Oscar Wilde would say in between sips of absinthe, “Experience is one thing you can’t get for nothing.” Experience is something that students here pride themselves on. There’s no experience to be gained from sitting around doing calculus homework and being “Mr. Serious” all the time. No one likes Mr. Serious. Not even his own mother. As far as we’re concerned, Andover can afford to be a little more “Wilde.” Lawrence Dai and Eli Grober are four-year Seniors and the Features Editors of The Phillipian. Dai is from Kohler, Wisc. and is the Executive Secretary of Student Council. Grober is from Andover, Mass. and is a Theatre Producer.