The Eighth Page

Parent Teacher Conferences!

Bates: Good morning everyone, please take your seats. My name is Coleman Bates, and I teach your children history. My students know me as Master Bates. Father #1: Uh, Master Bates, how did you come to be named Master? Bates: Oh, I’m British. That was a good question. Here, have a pencil. Choose wisely now. Father #1: Thank you. Ooh, that pink one looks nice. Bates: You know…. it is so weird. Every time I do this, the parents end up sitting where their children do. The hot girls end up having hot mothers as well! Mother #1: What did you just say? Are you saying my daughter and I are… hot? Bates: No, I am saying that that woman and her daughter are hot. But that’s a good question. Would you like a pencil? Mother #1: No, I most certainly would not like a pencil! You are the most vile… um, is that a Winnie the Pooh pencil? Bates: Yes, it is. Your daughter loves Winnie the Pooh! She even has Winnie the Pooh underwear. Mother #1: Yes, she does. But how do you know about her underwear? Bates: Uh, um. It came up once in conversation… so as I was saying, I teach history. This term we have been discussing ancient civilizations and how technology has evolved over the course of time. Mother #2: Master Bates, my son asked me to help him with an essay focusing on statutory rape laws and why they should be abolished. What does that have to do with ancient civilizations? Bates: Miss, I have no idea why your son would be writing about something like that. It must have been for another class. Mother #2: But I distinctly remember him commenting on his teacher’s inappropriate name. Bates: First of all, my name is in no way “inappropriate,” and there are several other teachers with odd names. It could have been Mr. Humpsum Ting. Mother #2: I guess it could have been. Do I get a pencil? Bates: No. This term I have gotten to know all of your children very, very well through one on one discussions and many open debates during class. I don’t have anything bad to say about any of them. Father #2: But my daughter told me your spanked her with a paddle for mouthing off in class. Bates: Tina thought that was a punishment? Silly little girl… Father #2: Why did you hit my daughter!? Bates: Excuse me. I must go, uh, to the restroom. I will only be a moment. Talk amongst yourselves. (Bates leaves.) Father #3: There is definitely something off with that guy. Mother #3: Honey, I thought he was rather flattering to both little Suzie and my “foxy” self, as he put it. (Policeman enters) Policeman: Pardon me, but I have a warrant for the arrest of a “Master Bates.” (Slight giggle) —Ryan Yost