The Eighth Page

Alumni Admissions Applications Revealed

Andover’s notable alumni receive so much attention for their accomplishments after their time at Andover. But does anyone ever wonder how they got into Andover in the first place? On this thirtieth day of November in the year of our Lord two thousand and seven, Features is proud to present a great historical finding. For the first time ever, excerpts from the Andover applications of notable alums have been published. JFK Jr., George W. Bush, Jafar, Samuel Morse and George Washington’s nephew, Elmer, have each sought admission to Phillips Academy. This is your chance to read what the admissions office read, to see for yourself what Andover’s most notorious alums were made of before their four years. If the prospect of these people in high school seems ancient, take a look at their eighth grade personas. Now, please enjoy a glimpse into the previously secret stash of Alumni Applications. What do you like most about yourself? Why? JFK Jr. Ask Madonna, Sarah Jessica Parker and Cindy Crawford what they liked. Bill Belichick I’ve always had a great sense of fashion. Whether it’s loose fitting wind-pants, short-sleeved hooded sweatshirts or a thick black headband, I’ve been the first to start the trend. I’m proud of my style because I realize it says a lot about who I am. Jafar I’m a people-person. Whether it’s dealing with the Sultan of Agrabah, for whom I interned this summer, or the purple-vested Palace Guards, I’m always cordial and amicable. I rarely advise more than three executions a week. George W. Bush Listen, I’d have to say the thing I like most about myself is my skill at that one board game. It’s called Risk, and the object of the game is total world domination. I’ma be honest here. I ain’t too good at school and I don’t got too many other talents neither. But I can say that I’m a darn good Risk player. It’s great ‘cuz I get to be the commander guy and boss around little plastic armies. Usually, Dick lets me play on the plane. Everyone always misunderestimates me at it, but I surprise ‘em all by going nucular on their rear ends. Samuel Morse Well, I invented Morse code. In the future, kids, even at Andover, will be able to communicate from their dorms rooms with my inventions. They’ll all be MCing all the time with Morse code. Just don’t ask out a girl with MC – that’d be lame. Imagine that you are a Phillips Academy student and you invite a close friend – who is from a very different part of the world – home with you during a school break. What would you feel would be important to share with him/her during his/her short stay and why? George W. Bush Well firstly, I’d halfta show him around the ranch – Texas style. That’s what daddy would want. There ain’t no real American that hadn’t set foot on a ranch before. Milking the bulls, slaughtering the chickens—that’s what we’re all about. That’s what America is all about: Freedom. Jafar I would take my insolent friend into the Arabian Desert. There, we would unite the two halves of a golden insect to finally reveal the Cave of Wonders. But when it becomes clear that my Andover friend is not the Diamond in the Rough, I will leave him for dead in the dunes. Samuel Morse We’d play with my telegraph. By the way, I invented that, too. I’m pretty much the s#%@ actually. For your benefit, I’ve attached to the back of my application a list of all the things I helped invent and all the other things I was the visionary for. I am the man! JFK Jr. Well, I’m still welcome at the White House whenever I want, so we’d probably go there and hit on a secretary or two. It’s a great way to spend an afternoon. Elmer Washington Well, I would make sure that this friend would get the chance to meet my uncle George. I mean, it’s not like any kid can just introduce someone to the most important man in the country. I mean seriously, what would be more impressive through a foreigner’s eyes: a sense of American culture or George Washington? Hell, George Washington is American culture. Bill Belichick I would show my Andover friend the video surveillance system I set up to spy on my neighbors. Teacher Recommendation: List three words that come to mind to describe this student. Elmer Washington George Washington’s Nephew JFK Jr. Camelot, sexy, sonofapresident Bill Belichick Short-sleeve hoodie Jafar Ambitious, tall, murderous Parent Statement: What do you feel your son or daughter will contribute to the Phillips Academy community? Jafar Our son, Jafar, is an almighty sorcerer. He is intelligent, wrathful and has a thin goatee at the age of thirteen. We feel that he would excel at Andover. We are concerned, however, that there is not a position titled “Grand Vizier” on your Student Council. Elmer Washington This is George Washington here, writing this statement in place of young Elmer’s parents. If you’ll recall my visit to your noble campus in your first year of incorporation, I was so impressed with your school that I recommended it to my nephews. You have my royal permission to quote me on that for however many years to come – it might boost admissions. Now do my kingliness a favor and admit my nephew – consider it payback for my creation of the world’s greatest nation. Samuel Morse Right now, Sammy spends so much time at home in his room playing with his wires and things, and it’s troubling. At the same time, I think he can do great things. He’ll probably make a bunch of money and donate enough to your school that you’ll name a building after him – I mean, he is pretty much the s#%@. Teacher Recommendation: How well does the student accept advice or criticism? JFK Jr. He doesn’t accept criticism very well. When I tell him to look over a paper again or let him know he’s made a mistake, he puts his big, strong fingers to my lips and says, “shh, Melanie, just relax.” He’s a very gentle, tender, passionate student with some seriously hard ambition. Jafar Once, I attempted to correct Jafar’s papers. All I remember is being entranced by his golden staff. It resembles a serpent and doesn’t fit in his locker. Bill Belichick He doesn’t like to hear from me that something went poorly. He likes to go back and look at the film. Elmer Washington To be honest, Elmer isn’t the most cooperative of students when it comes to advice or criticism. He considers himself “better” than his peers just because of his uncle. He cuts the lunch line with the excuse of “my uncle crossed the frozen Delaware” on every pizza Friday. It’s getting old.