The Eighth Page

Parents Exceed Bandwidth Limit

Almost twenty percent of visiting parents exceeded the Academy’s bandwidth limit during their online and on-campus registration yesterday. Accordingly, this group of legal guardians will be restrained from attending evening events, including Grasshopper Night. From an informal report yesterday, all violators must sign in to their respective hotels by 8 p.m. on the nights of Friday, October 19, and Saturday, October 20. As of Thursday night, the Office of Technology was prepared to double-check bandwidth data on “parentally-registered computers.” However, the Administration has postponed this double-checking session. “Everyone knows we have no idea what we’re doing when it comes to tracking things,” commented an anonymous faculty member. “Heck, I don’t even know what a gigga-whatchacallit is. We’re just gonna let this one ride for now.” Instead of checking for errors, the administration has decided to ask for student, faculty member, and parental ideas for better ways to inform students and parents alike about the school’s Acceptable Use Policy. Some faculty members believe that parents are not as technologically adept as they should be. These faculty members have recommended a Technology Information Day one designed for parents. Going by recently submitted plans, students would still have classes on this day of technology. “They’re not getting off on this one,” Head of School Barbie Chayes told sources yesterday.” Bandwidth will be available for purchase in the lobby of Commons beginning today, Friday, October 19 during lunch, until Sunday, October 21 during brunch. Parents wishing to broaden their students’ internet access, or their own, will be able to do so with their wallets. This overusage of bandwidth has also brought about some speculation. “Many students have suggested that a better way of mointoring bandwidth use should be instated,” said a member of the Technology Office. She continued, saying, “I don’t think these kids should even be allowed access to the ‘internets’. Back in my day, we read books to do research and used quills, paper, and owls to ‘chat’ with our friends. These kids are too much, what with their ‘Face-Space’ and porn.”