The Eighth Page

Painful Regrets

I won’t lie: my Lower year was not the super sexy smorgasbord they said it would be. To be honest, the end of my career as an Andover Lower has brought nothing but regret. And now that I am a rising Upper, the little social life I have managed to mold over the last two years will die along with my weakened soul. There are so many things I could have done this year, but didn’t. And now, all that’s left to do is write these things down and feel somewhat better about myself and my severe eating disorder. I just can’t help it. I love eating those little alka-seltzer tablets. I’m an alkaholic. I wish I would have… …Taken History 340—AP European History as a sixth course: Oh, just kidding. I don’t know about you, but I appreciate the five hours of sleep each night I already get. …Passed P.E. 100: It’s really not as easy as they say it is. You’d think any course with “100” in the name wouldn’t be too challenging, but the term paper is probably graded harder than most college kids’ senior theses. And I’d like to see you try and pass that ridiculous survival float test they make you do. Sadly enough, I’m taking beginner’s swimming as a sport next term – for the third time. …Had my picture taken with the Penis Statue: Honestly, you can never really have enough pictures of yourself posing with the large metal phallus that graces our campus. People will think you are cool and funny and laid back. …Discovered the true identity of Gunga: And I mean his TRUE identity. The jig is up. I’m not a freshman anymore. I know that Gunga isn’t a real gorilla. Heck, I stopped believing in real gorillas ever since last year when I learned that the guy on the corner of the street wasn’t the tooth fairy. For years and years, I’d been giving him my quarters and taking his old yellowed teeth in return and it was all for nothing. But back to the main issue: who’s the guy in the gorilla suit? …Joined more clubs: Next year, I’ve already thought of a few clubs I plan on joining for sure. Lumberjack Society, Students Against Michael Jackson, and The Student Coalition Against Head Lice are all definitely on my list. Plus, I hear Women’s Forum is a great place for picking up chicks. …Been more careful about what I write in these articles: Anyone out there who knows a good lawyer who specializes in sexual harassment cases, please make your identity known. …Lived a more eco-friendly lifestyle: Thanks to the Green Cup Challenge and that special little woman named Alice Gore, I now know that it is important to treat the world with love and care. From now on, I promise to start taking my showers with water rather than bathing in fossil fuels. Although this “water” substance won’t hide my B.O. as well as gasoline did, I think I’ll be able to live with the changes. …Breastfed my firstborn child: Just recently, I’ve been educated on the health benefits and the positive psychological aspects of breastfeeding and I really wish I could have provided this service for my little Juan Pablo. He’s almost 24 now and it’s too late. But I really wish I could have given him the chance to suckle at my teat.