The Eighth Page

Search and Rescue for Lost Search And Rescue Group Ends in Sadness

A Search and Rescue Group went missing on Monday while on a backpacking trip through the dense forests of Cambridge, Massachusetts. When neither the counselor nor any of the kids on the trip returned Wednesday, parents began to wonder what had happened. “Well,” Karen Pantell sobbed, “at first I wasn’t too frightened. I just figured that Johnny was having fun and the group had decided to stay an extra night. But then I realized he only had one extra pair of briefs, and that did it for me. I’ve been a wreck ever since.” The leader of trip, and the Search and Rescue Group Coordinator, told parents his name was Jean Paul. But Jean Paul was actually a convicted felon and a sexual predator before rehabilitation led him to apply for the leadership position with Search and Rescue. All parents of students who went on the trip had been informed of the leader’s history, but at the time, most were unfazed. “I don’t see what the big deal is,” commented Julia Munson, “he’s just a sexual predator. I mean, it’s not like he’s an IRS agent, or one of those ‘theater’ people, or heaven forbid, a republican. Well, I just hope they’re all right with food and all. My little Bobby has peanut allergies.” A local grizzly bear claims to have seen the group late Tuesday night. “[They] looked pretty lost. I was about to go out to catch their attention and make sure they knew where they were headed, but my wife wouldn’t let me – she didn’t want me to embarrass the kids, since they looked so well-prepared..” By Wednesday evening, a Search and Rescue team had been called into Cambridge to investigate the area, and to track down whatever remained of the pre-pubescent boys. Unfortunately, after 36 hours, there had been far more searching than rescuing. Chief of Investigation, Milo Andrews, said at a press conference, “We were out there a day and a half, with low rations and little light to work with. It’s been a rough couple of days, and we’re hoping that things will turn out for the best.” Milo had the final word on calling back the search and rescue. “I don’t really think there is anything left to do but pray,” Milo said later, “and even that might not help.” Though state troopers and police will remain on site and on the lookout for the lost group, the future looks grim. A local expert told our on-field reporters that after four days in the woods of Cambridge, a group led by a convicted pedophile “doesn’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell.”