The Ryley Room has been awarded the title “Best Place to Complain” by a recent student poll. It seems as though our very own hovel-esque hangout has lost its luster. The Phillipian’s recent, 89-page surveymonkey.com survey showed that 78% of students went to the Ryley Room last term because they simply had “nothing better to do.” Nearly 8% went to “shake their groove thang” and another 4% went for mozzarella sticks. The final 10% of students reported that they enjoyed the space for its ambience. This demographic coincides with campus vampires, orcs and hibernating bears. According to these results, 0% of students went to Ryley to just “bro-out with the bros” last term. “I used to bro-out in Ryley, I really did,” said an anonymous Bro, “but then we got an X-Box in Stearns… and they wouldn’t let me play with my pants off in Ryley. So now, if I go to Ryley, I spend most of my time complaining about their pants-wearing policies.” Other students said that they used to take trips to Ryley for the food. A particular favorite were the tubs of gooey, cinnamon bread. However, not even these can draw students down to Ryley anymore, as the secret has gotten out: the tubs of gooey, cinnamon bread are merely tubs of gooey, cinnamon bread. “I tried to tell the students,” said Lynnette, a Ryley cashier, “that it was only Wonder Bread and maple syrup, but they just kept buying the crap. There’s a point when you have to just say, ‘Lynnette, the FDA hasn’t proven anything yet. You’re doing the right thing.’ That’s how I get through my afternoons.” Now that the gooey secret is out, students scoff at Ryley’s snacks and tell Lynnette to her face that they would so much rather be at Yama. Not even Ryley dances are attracting the same crowds. “If I wanted to see a congested orgy of dry-humping, I’d go to the zoo,” said one disgruntled student. “It’s disgusting what we consider dancing, or a ‘good time’. But where else is there to go on a Saturday night? That is why I go to Ryley and give dirty looks to the people who are dancing. That way, I get to feel superior and I can enjoy my Peach-Os in sin-free contentment.” Many avoid these dances so that they don’t have to buy a new ID. “I lost my ID in September,” said one lazy Upper. “It makes me feel like I’m not missing anything if I complain about Ryley. In fact, I hate Ryley. It’s stupid, and I hate it. Now the steps of Commons, on the other hand, that’s where the party’s at. You can do mighty fine sitting and staring on those steps… mighty fine.” It is expected that with the planned renovations for the Ryley Room, its popularity amongst the student body will increase. Surprisingly, Ryley beat out Graham House, the Scheduling Office, the Garver Room and CAMD for the title of “Best Place to Complain.”
