What’s New on Facebook

The addition of brilliant new features to the ever popular student social-networking site Facebook has enabled users to interact in exciting ways, such as receiving real-time updates on their friends’ lives and posting links to interesting websites. But the question on every student’s mind is: what can we expect next from the people who made poking what it is today? Here are a few of the ideas the Facebook team has been working overtime on: Video Status – Haven’t you ever wondered what your friend is actually doing at an exact moment in time? With this feature, you will able to actually witness your friend in live video happily using the computer, doing homework, sleeping or whatever else they do alone in their rooms. All you need to set up a video-feed of yourself is a webcam! Prodding – Poking is a suggestive, friendly gesture that has become infamous amongst people for its bizarre and meaningless nature. However, users have recently been begging for a more aggressive gesture. Prodding is the answer to these requests. We hope the homophobic guys who refuse to poke each will start “prod wars” with other dudez. Courtship – Facebook has simplified the complicated and delicate process of flirting with another user with this new type of interaction. Suppose you are very interested in that hot freshman girl. The My Crushes tab simplifies the mess of common crush interactions, such as frequently poking her, requesting her cell number, posting inside jokes on her wall, insisting that “we need to hang out,” commenting on all her photos and checking her relationship status. Just click “I’d tap that” and she’ll receive instant and explicit notification of your intentions. Picture Filtering – Tired of looking through all 600 repetitive photos of a person just to find one where someone looks really hot or is partially unclothed? Facebook now includes a “View hot pictures” link below a user’s profile picture. Enjoy! Privacy Streamlining – The privacy controls of Facebook will be cut back and limited because no one really seems to care much about what happens to them. Privacy is a thing of the past and at Facebook our goals include moving forward and following internet trends. Location – Trying to find your pal who is never in the dorm or that girl who always seems to run away when you try to make conversation with her? With the simple click of a button you will be able to pinpoint the location of any of your friends. Facebook gathers data from your cell phone’s persistent GPS locater to help your friends find you! Tool Meter – In the near future, Facebook will scan through all profiles using ToolDetect, a proprietary language parsing technology. When your friends visit your profile, they will see a Tool-o-Meter on your pages, where you will be judged on just how big of a tool you actually are. The scores will rank from 1 to 1000. The 100 highest ranked tools will then compete for Facebook’s highest honor. The prize will be a fancy star by your name. Good Luck! On-demand Feeds – The news feed is a great feature, but isn’t it just the most irritating thing when you miss that one golden entry? Facebook, together with Microsoft, will be releasing a line of electronic devices that enable you to constantly be fed news. The first in this line is an over-sized, ugly electronic watch that will definitely boost your Tool-o-Meter. Other planned devices include sunglasses, keychains, and brain implants. We, the Facebook team, love hearing your opinions on our plans for our fast-expanding website. If you have any suggestions or ideas for change, please e-mail them to us. You can find our contact information on