Sports

Campus Police Report

PAPS log for week ending January 10th Monday, January 1st At 1:03 a.m., a Phillips Academy day student was sighted hanging out in the mailbox area of George Washington Hall. With no New Year’s party to attend, he was written up as “having no friends.” Wednesday, January 3rd At 2:30 p.m., a student was found lying motionless on the steps of Samuel Phillips Hall. Found on this person were credentials and a ticket for the Chinatown/New York City bus. Thursday, January 4th At 3:26 a.m., there was a report of a bedwetting in a “freshman dorm.” According to officials, the mattress smells of both “fresh daisies and urine.” Saturday, January 6th At 7:34 p.m., two students were discovered in the OWHL library stacks publicly expressing their affection for each other. They were later discovered to be brother and sister, and were both arrested and charged on counts of being “uncool” and “really, really gross.” Saturday, January 6th At 8:58 p.m., a man was reported to be suspiciously loitering in the Gelb Parking lot. The man was offering candy to PA students and was accordingly arrested. Later, he was released for the simple reason that candy is delicious. Monday, January 8th At 3:55 p.m., a student was sighted parting Rabbit Pond with intent to cross. The student made claims of being some guy named “Moses.” Student was charged on dual counts of parting without a permit and indecent exposure. Wednesday, January 10th At 2:26 a.m., a theft was reported. The items in question include: three blue pens, two three-ring binders, and a dead guy in a pear tree.