Andover’s Haitian Metorologist

As Andover students settled in for winter term, one question seemed to linger in our minds: Why is it so nice outside? Indeed, the recent weather has been quite peculiar for the beginning of January, with temperatures achieving record-breaking descriptions of “comfortably warm” and even “kind of hot.” “Man, this weather is so dope sick nasty!” one meteorology enthusiast said. “If this keeps up, maybe I’ll get a chance to whip out my new pair of plaid Bermuda shorts. If you guys are lucky, you’ll be able to catch a glimpse of my finely-sculpted calves.” Many others, however, had a less optimistic take on the weather. “It’s just so depressing, you know?” said a Senior. “I mean, here I am in my Senior year at high school, and there is no dirty slush to trudge through on the way to first period. I feel like I’m missing out on a valuable character-building experience. It’s almost as if Senior Spring has come early.” And with this, the Senior proceeded to break out in a sea of uncontrollable tears. But cry-baby or not, it is clearly evident that the lack of winter in winter term has begun to affect us all. Students have been sighted playing football on the Great Lawn and there has been a noticeable amount of Uppers reported being seen poking their heads out of their piles of work and taking in a couple seconds of actual sunlight. It is truly the Golden Age of being an Upper. But according to Dr. Ernest Von Schleydorn, PA’s Haitian meteorologist-in-residence, the students’ natural behavioral patterns have already been or are in danger of being disrupted. Students are beginning to have imaginary snowball fights during conference period and there have even been two or three recorded cases of “facewashes” occurring along gravel paths. This week alone, over ten students who believed that they had eaten yellow snow have been treated in Isham Health Center. I myself admit to leaving the dorm wearing about six layers of clothing only to find myself sweating more profusely than usual. What can we, as students, do about this spring of a winter? How can we prepare for the worst? Do I look fat in this dress? Be honest. Seriously. I won’t get mad if you say yes. In order to answer these questions, Dr. Von Schleydorn has granted me, Lawrence Dai, an exclusive interview. LD: Hello, Dr. Von Schleydorn. It’s nice to meet you. I didn’t know this school even had a meteorologist-in-residence. Dr. V: Well they do. And they pay me quite well. LD: Niiice. Dr. V: Well? LD: Well what? Dr. V: Aren’t you supposed to be asking me questions or something? LD: Aren’t you supposed to be asking YOUR MOM? Dr. V: Actually, no. I am not. LD: Oh. Dr. V: It’s okay. LD: Now seriously, what’s causing these unique weather patterns? Dr. V: Well I’ve seen my fair share of weather over the years and it seems like the atmospheric conditions are perfect for brewing a weather-related disaster. Everyone in the town could be killed. LD: Hmmm? Sorry, I was spacing out.