William Cannon

Monkey bread. One foreign to the Phillips Academy campus would assume it to be a type of bread composed of the skin or muscle tissue of slaughtered monkeys, or a slang term used when describing the cash made from selling chimpanzees on the black market. Monkey bread is actually a scrumptious treat consisting of dough, cinnamon sugar, and good ol’ American baking. This delightful snack can be found in the famous Ryley Room. Believe it or not, this tasty treat actually has a profound effect on the student body. One Wednesday, before the glorious gathering known as All School Meeting, I had not had a single morsel of food all day. Hence, I fled to Ryley in a last ditch effort to satisfy my tummy until I could refuel after 7th period. Once there, I spent my last dollar on a small vat of this mysterious monkey bread, and began my hike to All School with fork in my hand. By the time I reached those pearly chapel gates, I had finished the monkey bread and felt relatively full. My hunger would not return for the remainder of the day. I was astonished, because the only thing I had eaten the entire day was the monkey bread. I was eager to experiment with the monkey bread, and took a sample of it to my colleagues in the chemistry department. After rigorous analysis and testing, results were finally produced. Apparently monkey bread contains 2,000 Calories per bite and has been known to cause yellow fever when it was used to feed malnourished children in Ethiopia. Even more intriguing than the content of monkey bread is the process of its creation. The actual bread itself is made by pygmies in the Amazon rain forest. It is then shipped to Andover and opened with a ceremonial prayer by Father Fransisco Nahoe. The bread is then enchanted by Teryo Shimazu, who uses her personal Shinto wand to prepare the bread for the cinnamon sugar. Ms Shimazu is one of the five people in the world who were chosen at birth to bestow the gift of monkey bread to mankind, and received vigorous training on Mt. Fuji for the task. Once finished, the bread is beat in to its plastic case with a sledge hammer compliments of Macho Manny, who is known in my homeland of Lawrence simply as “The Man.” Monkey bread also has a variety of uses. Marines in Iraq are currently using the gooey-substance as a more potent substitute for C-4 explosive. Ford Motor Company is currently experimenting with monkey bread as an alternate fuel source. James Rockas is currently building a house constructed solely of Monkey bread. When asked why he was doing such a thing, Rockas replied “It’s monkey bread, why shouldn’t I ?” He then returned to his suede couch where four beautiful women awaited with palm branches and grapes. Despite its many uses, monkey bread will always be remembered as that tasty treat awaiting us hungry students in Ryley Room. So if you have Conference or any other period free during the day, stop by and by a vat of this tasty treat that costs only one dollar. Monkey bread will not only fill your stomach, but your heart as well. God bless America. [Editor’s Note: In the past, William and I have had our differences. We worked together as well as a hedgehog works with a bicycle. However, I am confident that we have overcome this adveristy and have built a friendship that will last a lifetime. Will, will you go to MORP with me?]