Arts

My Humps

Now we’ve all had our share of different showers for different reasons: To relieve anxiety, to cool down after getting mad, to get pumped up about a big date, etc… Often enough, you’re hardly dirty when you shower; it’s a place where the mind may wander. I’ve had my share of showers back in the day, and can only begin to imagine how they may accommodate the average PA student. Here’s a quick compilation of scenarios to show how showering may be useful in almost all situations. 1. You get a late start, and homework seemingly becomes exponentially harder every second. Sitting at your desk and starting at the wall just seems too wrong, so you rationalize this impulsive act of ADD with a nice shower. Classification: The Classic “Homework-Induced Procrastination” Shower. 2. Ugh, today was definitely not an ordeal that I hope to think of ever again. I’ll just drain my sorrows under the showerhead. Two days later you wake up in a hospital with family members crying over your weakening state of mind and lack of consciousness. You try to squeeze out a few words, but all that comes out is a dazed message: “My Humps, you love my lady lumps.” Your parents begin sobbing again as your swollen head throbs and you slip into unconsciousness again. Classification: The “Who the Hell Put That Inconspicuous Bar of Soap On the Shower Floor So I Tripped On It!” Shower 3. You see the House Counselor wandering up the stairs and suddenly remember you forgot to sign-in. You run down the hall, throwing your clothes into the garbage can while simultaneously stripping and pushing lowers down the stairwell to slow the house counselor’s pace. Who cares if the shower’s cold, she’s gone, just hop in. Classification: The “I Just Had the Best IP of My Life, but If I Don’t Get This Perfume Smell Out, I’m Screwed… Again!” Shower 4. Walking in from the hot tub, you change into just a towel in the Pool House and start up the shower. It’s a warm summer night and you’re thinking about taking the Range Rover for a nice summer cruise to the Crab Shack. The shower is about ready when you hear the door open and shut to the pool house. Turning around, you see Mischa Barton standing there, looking innocent and declaring her love for you. Classification: The “You’ve Been Watching Way Too Much O.C.” Shower (also familiarly called The “Get a Life” Shower). 5. You’ve been in the shower for about 3 hours now. The same emotions are continuously running around in your head and you can’t get seem to shake them. Around 3:36 AM (still in the shower), you let out a blood-curdling scream, waking up your fellow dorm-mates and house counselors. Classification: The “Did I Really Just See That On the Internet?” Shower. 6. You’re chilling with your good friends by the shower, when one turns to you and mumbles, “You moron, you just ruined your life. There goes the fun, good times, and everything in-between. Let’s go to the bar and finds some ladies.” Distraught, you still decide to join them. But then an average-weight lady with little personality grabs your hand and pulls you out of this opportunity. They were right, life is over. Classification: “The Wedding” Shower. 7. A little ill-tempered and upset, you walk into the bathroom to discover the one person you were looking for taking a shower. Grabbing the bar that holds the curtain, you pull yourself up and land a massive two-footed kick on the unknowing victim through the shower curtain. Classification: The “Dropkick the Kid Who Just Got Into Harvard Through the Shower Curtain” Shower. 8. After drying off and returning the toiletries back to where they belong, you return to your room. After changing into some clothes for the upcoming night out you get a telephone call… it’s a girl. “Hey, were you just taking a shower?” she asks with a giggle while other girls are gossiping in the background. Classification: The “Damn, I Forgot to Pull the Shades Down Again” Shower (Note: May possibly be followed-up with The “Did I Really Just See That On the Internet?” Shower). 9. Finished with homework and about to go to bed. You put on a towel and start up the shower. You look into the hall, but no one’s around. No one will know if you really took a shower. Besides, a nice spray of Axe can cover up any hint of body odor. You run your head under the sink to fake the look, put the unused soap back, and watched some cartoons before going to bed. Classification: The “John Badman IV” Shower.