The Eighth Page

Rain Gear Goes Warrior Mode

Surely, I admit that occasionally I find myself asking for my own advice. I say, “Igor, how do you get so handsome?” And then I answer myself, “I apply peanut butter to my face every four hours and then rinse it off with a mix of molasses and vinegar.” But I can not always be so sure with an answer. Sometimes I find myself thinking the only way I could answer such a question would be in an offensive and very dirty way. BUT ALAS! For this cannot be the way of my answers. Surely you (my faithful readers (scattered as you may be)) have noticed that many of my articles appear random and sometimes blatantly not funny. I’ll have you know it’s not me. I swear, it’s not. So in an attempt to be more “by the books” and less “mean towards albino people” and therefore have it edited out, I will now go about answering the questions I had to make up for people because once again, no one asked anything (I hate all of you.) Dear Igor, I often get sudden urges to start killing. Not necessarily people, but squirrels and other rodents. Sometimes even birds. This addiction has really gotten in the way of my school work and love life. What can I do? -Chris Zegel ’05 Dearest Chris, As I’m sure you’ve guessed, you have a lot of pent up rage that needs to be released. Many times, you see the easiest route is to gouge small animals, but let me tell you, IT’S NOT! As opposed to mass rodent genocide, I encourage you to look into other forms of releasing anger. For example, you could try listening to Kid Rock. In case you’ve forgotten how much your life sucks, you can always look at Kid Rock’s and think, “Man if that were me, I would have drank a cup full of arsenic a loooong time ago.” Or you could try playing sports. I think equestrian would suit you well. And if none of those work out for you, you could always try my personal favorite. Go beat your leftover Chinese food! No killing involved, just some good old bloody fun! If you need some extra excitement, attach small knives to your fingers and just watch the fun happen. -Igor Dear Igor, There are times when I can’t stand Commons food. Sometimes when I walk through the door into Lower Right, the smells that emerge from the food make me gag. On these nights, it is more than likely that I will go back to my room and drink my own waste, because seriously, it tastes better. How can I love Commons food again? -George Hattemer ’06 George, I’ve got a question for you: did you actually ever love Commons food? The answer is probably not – unless of course you were fed dog food for breakfast, lunch, and dinner as you grew up (and let me tell you, it’s not as bad as you think.) So now that you’ve finally reached your threshold for disgust, there are many different options to choose from that don’t include your own bodily fluids. My first suggestion is to order out. There is nothing better than a King’s Subs cheeseburger sub, straight from the oven. But if you’re low on cash, I would advise you to look into joining some of the small groups around campus. If you haven’t noticed, every sign for every meeting… ever, mentions something about how “food will be served.” In fact, I bet that any average student could become quite robust if all they lived on was the food served at these types of meetings. You might think this to be a ridiculous idea – becoming a scavenger of cookies and cheesecake, but just think about the people that you’re helping. If it weren’t for the cheesecake, would anyone ever go to the Philomathean Society meetings? I think they would, but they’d just be really, really hungry. -Igor