The Eighth Page

Dear Igor

On very special occasions, Zeus wields his holy lightning bolt and comes down to Earth searching for the next big new thing. Zeus has made his divine intervention and decided that a really really funny advice article is exactly what Features needs. So without further ado, I announce the grand opening of “Ask Igor!” “Ask Igor” is a new form of advice column with one idea in mind – to make you laugh! Each week Igor will answer as many questions as he can in 600-800 words with utmost sincerity. So if at any point in your long labor-filled lives do you need advice on anything (yes anything (well you know, within reason of course)) feel free to e-mail or call Igor at any time. (, 6448) And so thus begins the start of a new tradition in Andover-Phillipian-Features excellence. For my first article I had no great base of questions so I was unable to create a theme amongst them. However, to make sure that no fan goes unnoticed, I will answer a couple of questions that I received from certain unnamed colleagues. Dear Igor- How come all the other guys in the school have such hot prom dates and not me? What is wrong with me? How can I possibly get a hot prom date? I mean like this one time when I was all walking around campus, this hot girl came up to me and was all like “damn you hot” but you know I being all Tolu and all… yeah I had to play it cool, so I be like “damn right I am!” You know how it is though, you know, being Tolu… Daaamn. -Tolulupe Wusu ’04 Tolu- Ahhhh, the youth of America… *sigh* How could I not have expected a question of love to be my first, for surely it is the dominating thought in all young minds of our time. But your question is a troubling one indeed, and one that requires an immediate answer. For here you are, desperate and alone and in need of friend that is a girl – not necessarily a girlfriend – that will keep you company while you tickle your own fancy. But the real question within the question is “How can I be more like you?” And for that question there is an easy answer. Go to the male bar in Boston on Thursday, ask for Bill, and hang a hundred dollar bill out of your zipper. All sorts of interesting people will flock to you in no time! All you have to do is pick the best. Dear Igor- I have come to the conclusion that I look great in pink, and since it is spring I have permission to wear pink whenever I want. Yet sometimes people give me strange looks when I do wear my pink polo under my pink cardigan with my salmon pink pants. How can I possibly stop these snide remarks, but still look as good as I do and wear the color that best advertises who I am? -Dan Hoyos ’05 Señor Hoyos- Surely you do look good in pink. I must say, I’ve noticed. But I have a question for your question – When do you just think enough is enough? I can completely understand the polo with the cardigan, but maybe you should exchange the pants for something a bit more… Caribbean. Try a hip Hawaiian fabric. Maybe you could have some neon green shants. Shants look great in spring. You know, they’re not pants, and they’re not shorts, they’re kinda in the middle… Take a look into the Gap spring catalogue for ideas. (Although my personal favorite is Bebe, the swanky young adult store for women, it’s a real winner). No one would ever think of looking at you funny if you got all your fashion tips from Igor! (If you have a question that desperately needs advice, feel free to call or e-mail Igor at, or over the phone at x6448)