Features
The Political Arena with Alexander B. Moss
Conducted via Chatroom
By Alexander B. Moss
You have entered Anderson Cooper 360 Chatroom
AlaskanPitbull has entered the chatroom
xxHopeChangeAndMoreHopexx has entered the chatroom
CooptheScoop has entered the chatroom
CooptheScoop: Everyone here?
AlaskanPitbull: Ya… And I might add Cooper; your body-clinging T-shirt is looking especially casual today.
CooptheScoop: I know! I deal with the news while being comfortable.
IExploitOthersInsecuritiesForALiving
has entered the chatroom
xxHopeChangeAndMoreHopexx: Isn’t some kind of debate meant to be going on? I’d like to get this over with so I can go back to courageously defying everything. Also, anyone know who this other guy is? IExploitOthersInsecuritiesForALiving: Who, me? Pretend I’m not even here. But in the meantime, I’m going to steal your ear and make you think you’re eating it.
AlaskanPitbull: Let me guess. Prime…President of Portugal?
IExploitOthersInsecuritiesForALiving: Nope. I am but a humble hypnotist from the school of hard knocks, using my trade to make my way in this cruel, unsavory world. Also, Anderson Cooper – you now think you’re drowning.
CooptheScoop...
An adventure in... Featurerotica
Chapter 5 Good Things Come in Small Packages
By Eli Grober
As she walks by, her legs brush against his. “Love,” he thinks. He turns to face her. She keeps walking.
“Come back. I didn’t catch your name!”
She stops. She turns. He blushes.
“Sorry, did you say something?” she inquires.
He looks longingly at her. He imagines her wearing a dolphin outfit. Yes, a dolphin outfit. And leggings.
“Are you okay?” she asks, “You don’t look well.”
But he feels well. So well he would have skipped math club last night just to smell her hair for a few minutes. That is, if she hadn’t been “busy signing-in.” The sky is dark, and patches of moonlight fall onto her face. “I have to go now,” she tells him. He doesn’t believe her.
“No. Stay. Please. You must,” he begs.
“I, um, I have to follow the rest of my dorm,” she says, “It’s a fire drill. Do you hear the alarm?”
Ah, yes. The sound. He...
It's The End Of The World As We Know It
(And these guys still need time to show Paris Hilton who's boss.)
By Billy Fowkes and Ben Nichols Features Punted Elves
Now, the two of us are not usually the type of people who like to cause a panic but… WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE! That’s right, you read correctly, the apocalypse is here. Whether it be from the recent LHC project in Europe that will make a black hole here on earth, the ancient Mayan prophecy that the world will end in 2012, or that Rosie O’Donnell will have herself a game of hopscotch and shake the Earth towards a collision with Venus, we guarantee you that this year’s freshmen will not graduate alive (and we all know how much everyone hates a graduation without graduates!). Now, this means not only that Macy’s will be having an “End of the World Sale” and that emo kids across the globe will host the one time only “End of the World Party,” but also that now is the time...
From the Desk of Pierre Ratatouille Baguette
By Ben Nichols
Bonjour, or “hello,” as you Americans say. My name is Pierre Ratatouille Baguette, the manager, owner and part-time fry-chef for Le Château de Featur, the finest French restaurant in the greater Sandusky area. To begin, let me tell you a little about myself and why I have the best French restaurant in the south greater Sandusky, Ohio area.
I hail from Ontario, Canada, and I am half French-Canadian, half Jewish (with a little German and Nigerian mixed in). I have a degree in anthropology from the University of West Louisiana Community College, and, like most people who major in anthropology, I did not intend to have a career following my two and a half years in college. I decided to start a restaurant when my novelty children’s toy company went under. Apparently, Terrorist G.I. Joe was too offensive when we had him say “Die American Pigs” before blowing...
Health Inspection Report
By Sam Weiss
To The Esteemed Management of Le Château de Featur,
I write to inform you that your dining establishment is to be closed… forever! I make this judgement on the grounds of excessive ickyness, with your restaurant falling as a 9 on the internationally accepted 1-10 “Icky Scale.” Call me a priss, call me a wuss, but I wouldn’t place my bare bottom on the toilet seats of your restrooms if they were the last places on Earth for my bare bottom to rest!
As I pride myself on my sneakiness, you probably did not notice my presence at your dinner service on the night of Tuesday, September 9th. I began my evening by sitting down in a chair that not only had gum stuck to its underside, but to its overside, left side, and right side as well. As with most meals, I started with the soup. Now, this...
Restaurant Slogans
By Features
If it ain’t dead, we’ll put it back in the oven!!
Lou’s Stews... Better
than Stu’s Stews!!
The customer is always right, unless they try to steal butter packets!! 7. Free dessert on your birthday!! Mints. They’re mints.
Waitresses free for the pinching!!
Miguel’s Cantina: The taste of Mexico without the cholera!!
Come for the free bread and water, stay for the moist towelettes!!
Beginner, intermediate and advanced mazes on every place mat!!
Hungry? Eat our vittles!!
The best place in town!!...
The Waiter's Guide to Waiting Tables
By Greg Hanafin
My current and future waiters, I know this entire experience at the Le Château de Featur can be quite overwhelming, but we are depending on all of you. We need you to be in prime waiting condition because, frankly, our food tastes like doo-doo, and I’m pretty sure more than half of it is considered illegal according to state health requirements. But besides that, we need to keep up with our competition, all those restaurants like Applebee’s, Chili’s and Andre’s that are somewhere in between fast food chains and legitimate restaurants. The 99 Restaurant may have 99 reasons to always come back for more, but Features Restaurant has 100. Number one is to file a lawsuit for the severed hand found in the pasta, but two through ninety-nine are all for our outstanding wait service. But I’ve wasted too much time already. Let’s begin.
The first rule to...
The Diner's Guide to Restaurant Etiquette
By Alex Moss
Looking to cash in on that valuable “prickly white people over 60” demographic, I have created a quintessential guide to etiquette. If used correctly, people will find you insufferable even while they trip over themselves to prove they are as refined as you and your monocle. If I’ve neglected to mention, buy a monocle.
Before going out to dinner (in New York City because let’s face it – if you’re not there, you’re nowhere), be sure to see a play that adequately demonstrates what a fiend for culture you are. Consider Tom Stoppard’s “The Coast of Utopia” trilogy - a nine-hour epic about intellectual debates in nineteenth-century Russia. This way, with other patrons directly within earshot, you can remark on how you can’t believe you saw Brian F. O’Byrne live on Broadway. Yes, you heard me—Brian F. O’Byrne.
Perhaps now would be a good time to mention one of...
Local French Restaurant’s Food Deemed “Edible”
By B.J. Garry
As I walked into Le Château de Featur, I felt an intense wave of nostalgia; I felt like I was back home at the ‘ol family shanty. An old rusted car, plastic pink flamingoes and a television with a shattered screen were all scattered near the entrance of the restaurant. Inside, an aroma of sour milk, cigarettes and cat urine permeated the air.
Professional bowling played on two screens and a “Big Mouth Billy Bass” singing “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” was hung on every wall. At the bar, a group of six or seven alcoholics smashed bottles over each others’ heads, while the bartender organized bets over who would be the last man standing to the pleasure of dozens of cheering bystanders. Ahh, family reunions. Anyway, the hostess, a pregnant 42-year-old woman with five missing teeth named Hope, gave me a table (a piece of plywood over a...
Conversations Overheard at Le Chateau de Featur
By Jesse Bielasiak-Robinson and Ryan Yost
Waiter ######1: That guy out there is being such a jerk. Can we please do something to his food?
Chef: Oh yes, definitely. I’m feeling maybe a “Britney Spears.”
Waiter ######2: A “Britney Spears?”
Chef: (whispers answer to waiter ######2)
Waiter ######2: Oh wow, that’s gross. I hate that song.
Waiter ######1: How about a “Sean Connery Scottish Moustache?” Chef: Are you sure? That’s taking it a bit far isn’t it?
Waiter ######1: Dude, he told me there was too much ice in my soda. Chef: God no! How dare he?
Waiter ######2: Umm, what exactly is a “Sean Connery Scottish Moustache?”
Chef: I don’t think you even want to know.
Waiter ######2: Oh, well okay, how about we pull an O.J.?
Waiter ######1: You want to stab him and his wife? And get away with it? Well, I do think that might be a little too much.
Waiter ######2:...