Features
Sam Weiss is a Political Fun-dit
By Sam Weiss Features Baconator
As the 2008 election approaches, Americans are considering the various pressing issues that face our nation. Many are worried about the failing economy, the war in Iraq and health care. However, the people who concern themselves with these issues are generally not speaking from any base of knowledge or experience at all. I know that the stock with which I’m most familiar is chicken stock to make delicious soup broths. When people talk about Iraq, I normally feel the urge to stop being so conceited. “You rock?! No way, dude, Iraq!” And as far as healthcare goes, I’m as healthy as a mule… with hepatitis… and herpes. But I get along, don’t I? I suppose that my point is that we don’t have all of the information that we need to make educated opinions about the items on the US government’s agenda. This is why I am...
Musings with Alex Moss
By Alex Moss
The word “piffle” is funny, and it doesn’t mean anything at all. The sentence “Gary enjoys pizza.” is the opposite of piffle.
I really don’t like sesame seeds. Their presence on an otherwise seedless meal usually ruins my week.
If I were to associate one thing with the continent of Europe, it would be “torte.” Some words you can use when trying to impress someone (a waiter, a librarian, etc.): daguerreotype, comestibles, spareribs, jurisprudence.
You know those Pokémon that were totally weak until they evolved and then they would just straight up dominate? I could never get them to evolve.
In my opinion, the debate over who is the most marketable person in the world begins and ends with Steve Buscemi. Someone did a study. Even though there are six suspects, Colonel Mustard was the murderer 35 percent of the time. If I had the power to excommunicate people, I doubt...
Themed Commons Dinners
By Features
“Clothing Optional” Night
Hawaiian Shirt and Jean Shorts Night
Dinner with Gorbachev
Bundt Cake Bonanza
Knight Night
Carrot Top Collectible Plate Night
“Is it Dead Yet?” Night
One Night In Paris
“Freaky Friday” Tuesday
’70s Night...
The Poetry Corner with Ryan Yost
By Ryan Yost
My nanny was an angel,
She meant the world to me.
She cooked a lot of real good food,
And lent a hand when I went pee.
My clothes got washed, My meals were tasty,
But I could tell,
She was a tad spacey.
Was it her long Jamaican dreads,
Or her strange and funky smell?
Her lazy eye and unibrow,
Or love for Satan and Hell?
Or maybe it was her friends,
Who always made me cry.
No, my nanny did hard drugs,
And baby-sat while high.
Yes, the woman who told me
To always work so hard,
Was selling, dope, smack and grass, In my very own backyard. All those “friends” that she had,
Who would meet her in my room, Were not really there,
To play my game of “Doom.”
Once I couldn’t find my teddy bear,
Something had gone wrong.
Turns out my nanny took it,
And made it into a thong. And all the meds in my house,
That I took when...
Presidential Debate 2008
"Brought to you by Golden Chopsticks, the one-stop shop for all your MSG needs!"
By Eli Grober
Lehrer: Good evening, I’m Jim Lehrer, and welcome to the first in a series of three presidential debates. The studio audience behind me has been asked to remain silent through the debate, or face water boarding. Except for right now, when we can all give a warm welcome to the Democratic and Republican presidential nominees! Does fist pump, tears shirt collar. Lehrer: YEEEAAAHHH! Keeps screaming unintelligible words. Lehrer: WOOOO! YEAH! Obama. Studio audience quiets down. Nominees shake hands vigorously and step up to their respective podiums. Lehrer: We flipped a coin, and the first question of the night goes to you, Senator Obama. That’s how we decide things here in America. Now, in the midst of the country’s biggest economic crisis in the past few decades, varying levels of government have been attempting to find possible solutions and fixes to the economy. Senator McCain suspended his campaign for a week, wasting precious money...
Andover.edu
By Features
A Typical Day
My alarm goes off at 6:45 a.m., but I’m usually up by 5:00 a.m. Last night’s eleven hours of sleep feel good on my eyes. I have enough time to get dressed and have breakfast. I’m not late for history, which is great for me, because I prepared an extra presentation for today’s class. I enjoy my teacher’s monotonous lectures on World War II. Hitler was a bad man.
All School Meeting grabs my attention and holds it for forty minutes straight. Those pews are so comfortable! I almost decide to sit there for an extra half hour, but I have to immerse myself in the diversity of this campus during a tasty lunch.
Sports practice goes well, but since I’m never stressed out, the endorphins may have been wasted on me.
I have enough time to do all my homework—twice! My roommate (not a jerk from Hong...
B.J. Garry's Next
By B. J. Garry
Perhaps the most beautiful program to ever grace television, MTV’s reality-dating show Next has completely revolutionized television, nay, the world. The show features one person who goes on five dates. The instant the date becomes awkward or boring, this person has the opportunity to end the date, give the other person a dollar for every minute the date lasted and then move on to the next contestant. You can see how the show truly captures the reality of dating. Unfortunately, the “anti-Next” crowd can’t possibly understand my Next passion. Like one time, last year, my teacher got “angry” with me when my watch alarm went off at 8:27 in the morning during a Spanish test when I screamed “IT’S NEXT TIME!” at the top of my lungs and I sprinted out of Sam Phil. You see, there was a Next mini-marathon at my dorm that started at...
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"The Best Pyramid Scheme On This Side of Town!"
By Ben Prawdzik Features Matthew Lesko
With the economy tanking, energy costs rising and the housing market up in flames, this is a very turbulent fiscal time for many Americans. Luckily, my new book, Making Money: Go Big or Go Home, will teach you everything you need to know to survive in the proverbial wilderness that is today’s global economy. Our program is clinically proven to work. According to a double blind university study, 10 percent of our customers see financial gains after purchasing this product,* much more than you’ll make using one of those other books. Our guide will teach you countless ways to make cash, and here are a couple of methods you’ll master by purchasing this product:
Go to Vegas: What’s not to love about Vegas? There are resort hotels, fancy restaurants, casinos, and crime: the perfect recipe for making money. For just $2,400, you too can book a flight and...
Musings with... Sam Weiss
By Sam Weiss
If you give a mouse a cookie, he will probably explode. Just think about it: cookies are generally bigger than mice, so explosion must be the anticipated outcome. Especially if it’s a Double Stuf Oreo. When you throw in that extra filling, you’re just asking for it.
Popsicles are dangerous things. They can be too cold and stick to your tongue, or they can be too warm and melt all over your clothes. The best solution: eat popsicle sticks straight up, like a man.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are interesting characters. They are all named after famous Italian artists (Leonardo, Raphael, Donatello, Michealangelo), yet their lack of opposable thumbs leaves them unfit to paint… or even hold a paintbrush. Furthermore, the Turtles will never pass for Italians, what with their green complexions and all. Damn you, Splinter! This is all your fault, isn’t it?!
If I had a nickel...
Top Ten: Reasons the Economy is in Decline
By Features
Incestuous Lehman Brothers
Too many CEOs Dow-Jonesing for a NASDAQuiri
Inflation... of blow-up dolls
Wall Street is being repaved. 6. AIG: Ah! It’s Gone!
“Trickle down” became “flow everywhere.” Economy in “that time of the month.”
Charles Barkley needs gambling money.
Supply of Uncommons milk signs did not meet demand.
Gross domestic product got too gross for regular viewing.
Ran out of money....