Features
Racist Candidate Stirs Up Controversy
By Sloan Kettering
Published on February 18, 2010 in CXXXIII no. 3Presidential Candidate Gary Fitz ’11 has begun his campaign for election on a controversial note. He appears on various posters wearing a white hood and boasting things like, “Whiter than Connecticut” and “What can White do for you?”
Though this Wonder-Bread-white candidate seems to represent a minority view amongst the PA student body, his campaign has garnered support from many students. “I think his posters are really funny,” said Lincoln Howell ’13. “Connecticut is so white!”
Fellow candidates are disapproving of Fitz’s straightforward and honest approach, noting the differences in their opinions. “We live in a modern society where everyone’s considered equal. ‘Youth from every quarter,’ people,” said presidential candidate Cindy Carmichael ’11. Fitz’s response was simple: “I don’t give a raccoon’s claw what the other candidates think. I do what I want.”
Fitz grew up in southern Missouri, and is a fifth generation Phillipian. His grandfather, Ferdinand Fitz III...
Should Dogs Wear Sweater-Vests and Uggs?
By Andrew Schlager
Published on February 11, 2010 in CXXXIII no. 2It’s rather distressing to me when one ponders the number of people who feel the need to dress their dogs in sweaters. Perhaps there is no better example to illustrate how deranged society has become than when one reflects on the “dog sweater people.” My first encounter with this disturbed bunch began last week as I walked from Dunkin’ Donuts to my dorm. The woman I encountered had dressed her small white terrier in a petit sweater, and she boasted a pompous smile that said, “Damn straight I buy clothing for my dog.” What is truly sad is that the people who buy their dogs sweaters are also generally the same demographic who feel strongly about the lack of charity in third world countries. Imagine a person who criticizes the lack of foreign aid in Haiti and then, after seeing pictures of impoverished and unclothed Haitians, purchases...
Do Your Part To Go Green Because This Guy Isn't
By Andrew Wilson
Published on February 11, 2010 in CXXXIII no. 2Q. What are you doing to help in the Green Cup Challenge?
A. What is the Green Cup Challenge? Oh, is that why I keep getting those e-mails about conserving energy or whatever? Huh. Well I try to, you know, turn out the lights, but I can’t guarantee anything. Q. What do you do to conserve energy?
A. Again, I try to turn out the lights, turn off the TV and turn off the shower when I’m done, but sometimes I can be a bit forgetful. Q. How long is your average shower?
A. Like, how long am I in the shower or how long is it on?
Q. How long is it on?
A. Oh well, probably around 45 to 50 minutes. I really like to get it hot, then I do some other things. I also think the sound of the water hitting the floor is relaxing, so sometimes I...
Debate Rages Over Potential School President
By Scott Cuthell
Published on February 11, 2010 in CXXXIII no. 2Three-year upper Brock Obrama’s status as a student of Phillips Academy was called into question last week, raising questions of his eligibility for School President. The debate began when pictures of an alleged acceptance letter to Obrama from Phillips Exeter Academy were leaked on the Internet. Within minutes of their posting, cries of outrage sprang up around campus. A group of students and faculty quickly formed in opposition to Obrama’s campaign. Calling themselves “Accepters”, they believe that the letter provides proof that Obrama is not a student at Andover, despite his three years of attendance at Phillips Academy. The discovery that Obrama’s grandfather was a graduate of Phillips Exeter Academy further exacerbated the situation. In response to the allegations, Obrama released a photocopy of his acceptance letter from Andover, as well as his enrollment form for Andover. Both documents were examined by Admission Officers, as well as...
Musings ... With Robert Palmer
By Robert Palmer
Published on February 11, 2010 in CXXXIII no. 2Have you ever been standing at a crosswalk, push the button to get the walk signal, and then someone else pushes the button even though they saw you push it first? It’s as if people don’t trust each other to know how to use technology designed for three-year-olds. I always want to tell the person, “Thank God you came along to push that button. Without you, I would have been standing here all day without any hope.”
With people demanding smaller, more efficient products, it is clear that the tie will soon be discarded from most men’s wardrobes. Ties are simply too cumbersome to meet the styles of today’s youth. What will fill its place? Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the bowtie.
Ever wonder where the nonsensical saying “it’s raining cats and dogs” came from? I bet it didn’t make sense when the first person said it,...
Summer Opportunities Fair: Ninja Training or Fat Camp?
By Emily Adler
Published on February 11, 2010 in CXXXIII no. 2Camp Employee: Hello! Thanks for stopping by the booth! Can I interest you in some candy while I tell you about some amazing opportunities waiting for you?
Student: Of course. But, what do I need to sign up for?
Camp Employee: Well, we are piloting a couple of camps this year.
Student: Wait, what kinds of candies do you have?
Camp Employee: Peeps. And I might still have some Twinkies in the back I could grab.
Student: Alright, I am all for new things. Let’s break out the Twinkies... You don’t have any milk by chance, do you? Camp Employee: No. But what I can tell you is that the first camp is made for ninjas.
Student: Well, I have always considered becoming a ninja...That or a pastry chef...Wait, where’s my milk?
Camp Employee: I am sorry, but something tells me you are not...hmmm...how do I put this...ninja-worthy.
Student: Ninja worthy? How can I prove...
Top Ten Things Overheard During Head of School Day
By Features Staff
Published on February 11, 2010 in CXXXIII no. 2“Why is that person listening in on our conversation?” 9. “I’ve never been so happy to see a stick!”
“There’s a scavenger hunt?!?!”
“The Loop or Boston...hmmm...Well they’re both just so much fun.” 6. “Now I don’t have that Physics test! Oh, wait...”
“Don’t you think seven straight hours on Chat Roulette was a bit much? Me neither.”
“I see you. Let’s go see Avatar again.”
“To Hale!!!”
“Mrs. Chase looked really different last night.”
“I can’t, I’m busy catching up on homework.”...
The Trials and Tribulations of a ... "CRIPPLE"
By Peter Nelson
Published on February 11, 2010 in CXXXIII no. 2It is no fun being physically and mentally hampered by a crippling injury, especially when it was the result of a “freak accident.” Most of us have endured it before: the unbearable pain we feel, the disgusted and disapproving looks we receive from passersby and the long nights we spend weeping in bed. And, consequently, changing our adult diapers. But cripples need not hide in the shadows and dark places of the world any longer, looking to escape the cries of “Freak!” and “Loser!” from the “normal folk.” The following journal entries of a PA student cripple should shed some light on these poor souls.
Jan. 27th: I got a surprise visit from Sugar King today. I wasn’t expecting him until next week, but apparently, I was farther behind on my payments than I thought. He (and his two big, strong, muscular enforcers) kindly informed me that I...
A Head of School Day Debate Do Not Read While Crossing Main Street
By Andrew Wilson
Published on February 4, 2010 in CXXXIII no. 1Mrs. Chase: Welcome. I have assembled this committee to decide when Head of School Day will occur.
Mrs. Sykes: Great! I am excited to be a part of this committee… so I can gain more power.
Mr. Murphy: Thank you Barbara, I am also very excited to be part of the committee deciding the beloved day-off. While in past years, you have made Head of School Day the day Isham overflows, this year I am committed to making sure that students receive the best education, health, and well-being. This is why I would like to remind everybody to be careful crossing the streets and-
Mrs. Chase: Okay, well that was quite a bit of rambling, somewhat like your e-mails.
Mrs. Sykes (murmuring): Head of School Day, the perfect time for me to steal the spotlight from Barbara.
Mrs. Chase: Now, before we decide the date of Head of School Day, I think...
What Happens in Head of School Day? "I Almost Forgot It's Still Winter!"
By Robert Palmer
Published on February 4, 2010 in CXXXIII no. 1A blow-by-blow diary of last year’s Head of School Day stolen from a random Lower. He cried, but we took it in the name of good journalism.
5:30 pm – I’m eating dinner at a table with 29 other Freshmen. At this point, we’ve got three people on every chair. They should get bigger tables for us. On a seemingly unrelated note, the table of upperclassmen next to us is laughing at us. God, I can’t wait to give Freshmen hell next year.
5:43 pm – The students rose from their seats when a masked student entered the building wielding a lacrosse stick. Unluckily for the nameless student, eggplant casserole was the main dish of the night and has surprisingly good aerodynamics. 6:13 pm – She came with the field hockey stick! Mayhem and euphoria! I’m so glad for Head of School Day because Freshman winter is so overwhelming....