Features
Mr. Clanky
By —Lawrence Dai, Eli Grober, Alex Moss
Mr. Clanky, everyone’s favorite resident robot referee, is now spending his later years scattered about the local junkyard as spare parts. We’ve done our best to catalogue the whereabouts of his many appendages, but still have no idea where his spleen might be.
Voicebox: Somehow ended up in ‘Lil Wayne and T-Pain’s posession. The “gangsta” musicians have been reportedly sythesizing Clanky’s robot noises with their own.
Pot Head: No, Clanky is not a user of cannabis, but rather, his head is an upside-down pot. It was last seen in the kitchen of some woman named Mrs. Jarvis. It was used to boil eggs.
Funnel: Formerly used to suck baseballs out of a basket during pitching practice, the funnel is currently being used to siphon lard into Rosie O’Donnell’s mouth. The lady needs her lard....
What I'm Thankful For...
By Emma Goldstein
I am thankful for the library proctor’s new vacation home in Saint Maarten. I paid for it in overdue fines.
I am thankful for the Commentary section. I don’t need my own opinions when I can have Jenn Schaffer’s.
I am thankful for Harrison’s Roast Beef. Once I started frequenting this hot spot, I realized an entirely new cross section of the Merrimack Valley. I am thankful for the Blackboard Academic Suite. My favorite tab is “Community.”
I am thankful for diversity. All of my friends and I have different color Longchamp bags.
I am thankful for the CCC!!! It fills my spirits and my inbox.
I am thankful for Katy Perry. After her song “Hot N Cold,” she made menopause socially acceptable. I am thankful for urologists. Now that the only men’s bathroom in the library is shutdown, many of my male friends will need to be seeking their help with...
Party Like It's 1621
By —B.J. Garry
William Bradford (governor of Plymouth Colony, addressing a crowd): Greetings, my friends! Before we begin our feast on this most joyous occasion, I’d like to acknowledge the people who made it all possible. A dozen men from the Wampanoag tribe have worked tirelessly to grow and prepare all the food you see here, so how about a big round of applause for them! (Gestures to pile of assorted corpses, light applause and cheering from Pilgrims)
William Bradford: What a bunch of troopers. Hopefully, we will never exploit them for their land or confine them to reservations in the future. Chief Squanto glares at Bradford, muttering under his breath.
William Bradford: My fellow colonists, today is a day that we give thanks. Therefore, I have decided, in a stroke of original brilliance, that this holiday will henceforth be known as “Thanksgiving.” Today we offer our thanks to God for blessing...
Things Overheard During Thanksgiving Dinner
By Features
10 “Hey Uncle John, what happened to your other wife?”
9 “You know, eating a ‘Butterball’ turkey sounds a lot less appetizing than eating a normal turkey.”
8 “Grandma Doris? Grandma Doris! Are you okay? Wake up! The pie isn’t a pillow! Grandma Doris! And Grandpa, the turkey isn’t a hat!”
7 “So who wants to go wake up with me at 3:30 a.m. tomorrow to buy some cheap, useless stuff at Best Buy?”
6 “Dear, I think you should ease off that extra helping of pumpkin pie. You’re getting a bit too big for all of our tastes.”
5 “Pass the fried giblets, please.”
4 “Why does the stuffing smell like beer? Wait. Oh, God. Someone go check on Aunt Sheila, she’s drunk in the kitchen again.”
3 “Tell your Aunt Gertrude to stop doing that on the table.”
2 “While we’re all eating, lemme tell you guys about my colonoscopy last Thursday.”
1 “Shut...
What I’m Thankful For By Pocahontas
By —Greg Hanafin
The past few weeks have been so exciting! I’ve made so many new friends from England, particularly one handsome devil named John Smith. Our relationship started out a bit rocky, with the whole pillaging our land and murdering our families deal, but I think he’s starting to like me, seeing as he hasn’t tried to burn down our village for a few days now.
Anyway, the first ever Thanksgiving is approaching. We’re calling it Thanksgiving because we’re giving the white people all sorts of food so they don’t die, and hopefully they’ll thank us. But on the subject of Thanksgiving, I have a lot to give thanks for as well. First, I would like to thank my Daddy, Chief Powhatan, for not executing John Smith and starting a war with the white people that would have completely destroyed our tribe. I feel like the Powhatan people are so...
What I’m Thankful For By John Smith
By —Billy Fowkes
I thought long and hard about what I could possibly write in this essay, but to be honest I came up with diddly squat. I’m an old white man in a land of Indians, and I just spent mountains of time on a large ship, only to arrive in this ghost town. At least the women wear scant clothing, and the corn is freaking amazing.
The insignificant things are what I miss the most about the good ol’ UK. I yearn every day to take a trip to Ye Olde Country Market and the local Sweets Shoppe with the purple coloured door. I miss using the word “crisps” for what are apparently known as “chips.” I even miss the 11 members of my family who died gruesome, uncharacteristically vomit-filled deaths on the trip across the Atlantic. All these things occupy a void in my heart that cannot be...
Dear Diary
By —Will Adams
Dear Diary,
OMG I had the greatest Sadie night everrrrr. I went with Jason, that cute kid in my math class. I finally had the courage to ask him during lunch one day. He was sitting with all of his “bros” when I asked. He said “No,” but I think that’s, like, German for “absolutely,” and he just wanted to flaunt his linguistic skills. He’s so smart! I was thrilled; especially because I would be able to wear that gorgeous dress I picked out over the summer. It made the sales clerk grimace when she saw it, which meant that I HAD to have it. So anyway, Jason said yes and I jumped up and down and yelped for joy. All of his friends started laughing, probably because they were so happy for Jason. We had planned for him to pick me up at my dorm on the night...
Craigslist > Boston
It's like a yard sale on the internet
By —Ben Prawdzik
Looking for Love: 37, m, Boston
I’m looking for the woman of my dreams. I have had a few dating experiences in the past, all of which have been unsuccessful and resulted in minor to severe flesh wounds. I enjoy walks, movies, music, eating out, spanking—really whatever it is that you’re into.
For the past four years, I have worked in the Bay Area for a real estate broker. My apartment has a great view of the Charles and it’s a five-minute subway ride from downtown. I’m looking for someone who wants to build a serious relationship, not just a one night thing.
There is one aspect about me that has deterred some possible love interests in the past- I weigh 750 pounds and lost both of my arms in a freak Easy Bake Oven accident. I will need you to feed, clothe and bathe me on a daily basis,...
the features office
By —Kenny Gould
MEMO: This week, the Features Section will be offering an exclusive sneak peak at what goes on behind the scenes here at the Features office. So enjoy as you spend your 9 to 5 with the most obnoxious coworkers on campus! All plagiarized Michael Scott/Office Space jokes are purely coincidental. Dear Management,
I thought you might be able to help me with a little problem I have. As you may or may not know, I was diagnosed with a terrible and debilitating illness this past fall. Tyler approached me about three weeks ago and told me that he could cure me if I took some of his magic pills. He said they were given to him by Jesus himself. When I took the pills, I fell right asleep, and when I woke up, I felt a little better. However, I do not believe I am fully cured yet....
Straight Out Da Rule Book
Fun with Office Etiquette
By Greg Hanafin
The following are excerpts from the Features Office Rule Book. All rules must be abided by between the hours of 9am and 6pm every day. Otherwise, we don’t give a hootenanny what you do with your time.
Sick Days
Every employee is allowed a total of seven sick days each year. Excluded from the list of excusable sicknesses are (in no particular order): scrapes, cuts, colds, broken bones, fevers, goose bumps, the flu, lyme disease, strep throat, being hit by a moving vehicle, tuberculosis, malaria, typhoid, yellow fever, measles, mumps, leprosy, weakness due to kryptonite, pneumonia, pregnancy, AIDS, smallpox, insomnia, influenza, anthrax and the bubonic plague. If you believe your life is in danger, please contact the office and we will assess the situation if there is time available. Only then will you be excused.
Lunch Break
Your choice of either Tuesday or Thursday, from 3:15 to 3:20. Chicken or Fish....