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Students Caught Digging For Gold: Claim They Were Just Scratching

Early last week, while bathing in Pomps Pond, Old Man Jenkins, a PG for the fourth time this year, literally struck gold when he found several nuggets. When the news reached the Phillips Academy campus, over half the student body left their books behind, hopped on their horse ‘n’ buggies and made their way down…

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Top Ten: Renaissance Commandments

10. Thou shalt not operate thy drones about campus. 9. Thou shalt not fail to zigzag atop the Lawn of Greatness. 8. Thou shalt not play thy favorite song about snakes not desiring any unless thou has buns. 7. Thou shalt not show thy ankles! How repulsive and revealing. 6. Thou shalt not siteth in…

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Martin Sleuther & The 95 Theses

On a typical Wednesday, Andover students flock to Cochran Chapel for All-School Meeting. Amongst the pews, students hide their phones between their thighs while playing Trivia Crack, and others sit eagerly with their coats and backpacks on, ready to dart out of the Chapel as soon as possible. So, even though there appeared to be…

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Machiavelli Disciple Elected

The ascendance to ultimate power is and never will be, by any means, easy. One must toss aside any scrap of moral dignity if one seeks to gain ultimate power. One must truly embrace the raw Cluster Dean spirit burrowed internally, and this is exactly what our newly elected Cluster Dean, Kanye Northeast, did. In…

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Bubonic Plague Hits Campus

The recent buzz on campus regarding the outbreak of Bubonic plague has caused a heightening concern about Andover’s health. “We do not know how the Bubonic plague entered our environment atop Andover hill,” said Ghengis K., Dean of Rat Control on campus. Students who are not quarantined or choking on their own bile predict the…

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