–An overly excited ocelot. –The Used Car King of the Greater Sacramento area. –The original cast of “Fat Albert.” –The guy with the keys to the New England Aquarium. –Oprah. Always Oprah.
By Will Leggat
Whether you’re there to worship our Lord in the early morn or you’re there for equally above-board business on Saturday nights, there’s no doubt that the Cochran Chapel, and specifically its pews, is the spot on campus. So it came with much surprise on Thursday when Robert “Bob” Bilder, Head of the Department of Additions…
Phillipian Satire: Negotiations Between Administration and Local Gang of Girl Scouts Off to a Rocky Start
By Rachel Neplokh
Members of the administration are currently locked in a vicious battle with the Girls Scouts of America. The dispute rises from the shocking news that Girl Scouts had been passing off gluten-free products as the good stuff. Andover consumes thousands of pounds cookies each week, and many students rely on these cookies to reaffirm their…
State of the Academy Results Not Yet Available, Data Still Being Fudged. Fertile Land Seized by Wealthy Nobles. Everyone Is in for Quite a Surprise. Dean of Students Lost in Giant Water Park Slide. A Damp, Damp Man Is Our New Staff Writer.
By Sophia Merageas
Dermatologist, fellow Harvard graduate of Head of School John Palfrey’s, and lifelong satanist Dr. Charlie Keller has been a closeted magician for the past 20 years, only performing occasionally for his mother-in-law. Straying from the comforts of an intimate audience, Keller announced he would give his debut performance at Andover last Saturday. Dressed in full…