The Eighth Page

The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: The Week’s Top Headlines

Reza Aslan Finally Invited to the Stage to Dismiss Wednesday’s ASM, After Introductions Take Up Whole Forty-Five Minute Block Jim Ventre Deeply Regrets Admitting Student Overheard Describing Music As A Sport “If I Can See You Through the Crack in the Bathroom Stall, Can You See Me Too?”: Science Answers Andover’s Most Asked Questions Environmentally…

The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Computer Generated Conversations of EBI

A clearly sleep-deprived EBI Senior with a well groomed Bieber Bowl stands in front of a class of thirteen Juniors. He is supposed be thinking about inclusion at Andover, but he is worrying that he has left his straightener on. EBI Senior: Let us talk about inclusion. Everyone in the class looks uncomfortable, except for…

The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Rejected Grasshopper Acts

Mr. Palfrey Softly Singing “Africa” by Toto While Being Hoisted By Flocks of Doves. A Freshman Doing Tricks in Heelies While Tweaking on Freebase Caffeine. The Muppets Cover of “The Andover Song.” Your Mom Yelling on Stage About How Disappointed She and Father Are With You. The Smallest Freshman You’ve Ever Seen Doing Fortnite Dances…

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