–Cut all the circuits. They’re bugged. –Slice random cars’ brakes. Think of all the fossil fuel emission you just prevented! –Forsake all material possessions to Mother Nature. –Realize you came from the dirt and to the dirt you will one day return. –Turn the faucet off while you scrub your taxidermy collection.
By Will Leggat
Saturday, after binging several seasons of “Undercover Boss,” Dean of Cruel and Unusual Punishment Deaniel Notakid began a covert sting operation within the student body, claiming his crusade to seek out rule-breakers was a mix between “21 Jump Street,” “Black Swan,” and “Mr. Bean.” Adopting the name Deaniel, Dean Notakid rushed to Susie’s after donning…
Edgy Freshman Who Dishonestly Filled Out State of the Academy Hailed a Legend ‘Prom is For Losers’: An Investigative Report By Local Loser Andover Pastor to Officially Give Blessing to Rains in Africa on Sunday News from Mighty Jungle: Lion Maintaining Steady Sleep Schedule Rabbit Pond Water Turning Frogs Into Mutant Ninja Turtles Tables in…
–How to Get People to Like You. –What’s Going On With the Millipedes? –Lampshade of the Week. –Garden and Chainsaw. –The Economist (Screw you for being surprised by that). –So That’s How it’s Done: Flirting. –Daily Dosage of the Good Stuff. –Hidden Fears: Emotions. –The Art of the Casserole.
This weekend we took it upon ourselves to clean out the newsroom’s Lost and Found. Here are some of the things we decided to steal from it. –The baseball team’s humility. –Last week’s Sports section. –Three of Regina the Spider’s eight legs. –A kazoo. –Upper Management’s “Burn Book.” –Anonymous D.C. statement. –Taxidermied squirrel.