The Eighth Page

The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Our Resolutions for 2019

Daak Trostor I need to lose some weight, so I’m going to drink the tears of my enemies, but cut them with water to avoid the calories.   Ethel Histel I want to engage in at least one social outing without my mom.   Jeremy Jeremiah In the new year, I will refuse to use…

The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: The Week’s Top Headlines

New Lower Facing Social Exile For Failing to Reminisce About Good Old Days of Freshman Spring Gelb Office Candy Basket Disappointingly Empty For Third Week In A Row New Research Reveals Sweet Potato Pie Is Definitely Not a Dessert Edgy Upper Girl Wants to Know if You’ve Heard of Lana Del Rey Whole School Collectively…

The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Christmas Presents We Returned

Oma’s authentic Dutch clogs Reason: They gave me foot ulcers. Reason: Already worn (by Oma). A bionic mannequin replica of 2017 Danny DeVito Reason: I prefer his earlier work. Reason: He’s a hack. The Christmas sweaters all my friends got me Reason: I’m Jewish. Ten Lords a Leaping Reason:  Don’t know what to feed them….

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