Shocking research from Harvard has concluded that the majority of America has no interest in the sport of figure skating, yet watches the Olympic events in hopes of seeing crashes.
Harvard professor, Dr. Ivan Von Stoinkenburger, said, “To be honest, we weren’t very surprised by the results. Let’s be real, does anyone care if the tiny French girl lands her triple axel double salchow jump? Does anyone understand what I just said? No, on both accounts. The numbers don’t lie: people only watch figure skating for the failures.”
Legendary figure skater Sasha Brohen said, “Statistics don’t reflect the real nature of the sport. Figure skating is more than just epic fails. I mean, it’s got jumps and spins and stuff like that.”
A casual fan of the sport, Bob DuBrow, said, “When I’m watching TV, I’m watching either NASCAR or WWE. See a pattern emerging here? Nothing gets me going more than seeing Mr. Pippy La Pew and his lover crash into the boards, wiping away a lifetime of dedication in a matter of seconds. Their tears provide me nourishment.”
Conor O’McLeary, president of the International Olympic Committee, said, “From the outset of figure skating, we realized its only marketable aspect was the wipeouts. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that out.”
Long-time figure skating announcer, Peter Bono said, “I’ve been announcing figure skating for the last thirty-four years and I still have no idea what’s going on. It’s a pretty easy job. I just make up names for moves and people assume I know what I’m talking about.”
The finals for the partner figure skating are to be held later this week, but several pairs have withdrawn due to moral conflictions.
An outraged French figure skater, Martin Perrier, said, “These ignorant Americans with their hamburgers and their iPhones fail to recognize the beauty of this sport. Figure skaters are true athletes that deserve respect. Some of the stuff we do is really cool, like, uh... stuff.”
The United Nations announced they will begin an official investigation of the legitimacy and worth of figure skating in the coming months, which many expect will result in the long-awaited prohibition of figure skating from the Olympics.
UN delegate Charlie Meyer said, “I’m a married man with children of my own. How can I tuck my kids in at night with a clean conscience knowing that figure skating is still in the Olympics? Every night they wake me up because they’ve had another nightmare about watching figure skating. This is worse than the time they saw Jennifer’s Body starring the multi-talented Megan Fox.”
After the dust has settled, one fact remains: nobody cares about figure skating.