This week is the start of the campaigning period for the position of School President for the 2012-2013 school year here at Phillips Exeter Academy! The candidates look promising, and already three of them have risen significantly in popularity. Each of these three candidates has discussed their campaign platforms exclusively with the Exonian. Let’s have a look.
Our first candidate prides himself on his intellect, super-human World of Warcraft skills and “success with all the hot Exeter lady-types.” We’re not sure how those last two go together. We got to sit down with this candidate, Eugene “Acne-Beard” Eugene III, to discuss his revolutionary ideas for Exeter.
Exonian: Hi Eugene. We understand you have several ideas to change life on campus. Let’s hear them.
Eugene: Of course. Now, my first idea is pretty awesome. I’m thinking that instead of having our typical eight hours of daily mandatory SAT testing, we only have four hours.
Exonian: What! NO!
Eugene: I know this seems quite abnormal and frightening to most of you, especially the seniors who have known nothing but this misery for so long, but I really think we can fill the other four hours with more productive activities! For instance, we could really use a new indoor track floor. Ours is dirty. Literally. It’s made of dirt. Let’s have the freshmen build us a new one!
Exonian: Forced manual labor for underclassmen? Go on…
Eugene: Secondly, I really think that we could change the menu for our cafeteria. While I personally prefer the “mystery slop” they serve, some students have been openly complaining that it isn’t nutritious enough. Also, one of them found a human toe in there once. So, I kind of want to change that up.
Exonian: What better food do you suggest? That mystery slop fuels our academic prowess!
Eugene: I think we should only serve…vegan food. Everyone at Exeter has to become a vegan now.
Exonian: Awesome. Those, Eugene Eugene III, are some presidential ideas. Thanks for your time.
The second prominent candidate running for school president is Igor Vladmirson. This 6’ 10’’ Russian post-grad student described his interests as football and ‘recreational bear wrestling’. Because he hasn’t quite learned english, Igor hired a professional novelist to write his formal platform. However, he still interviewed with the Exonian, hoping to vocalize some of his plans for the school.
Exonian: Hello Igor. You want to tell us some of your good ideas for the school?
Igor: More football!
Exonian: Do you mean that you want more football practice, or more football equipment? Elaborate, please.
Igor: Exeter coach hire me in Russia! I already 23 years old! He say I play football all day in America! Me want more football!
Exonian: Igor, are you saying that you’re actually 23? That’s ridiculous!
Igor: Coach says only way to beat Andover is hire adult football players! We try getting NFL players, but some mean people say that “too obvious.” Brett Favre almost get recruited though, just so he could play more football!
Exonian: Hmm. Interesting. Anyways, why do you want to be president again?
Igor: Me make Exeter only football school.
Exonian: Ok, Igor. Good luck with that.
The third and final candidate for presidency is a qualified but quiet student. Her name is “Plain” Jane Smith. Let’s hear what she had to say:
Exonian: Hi Plain Jane. Why do you want to be president, and what great ideas do you have for Exeter?
Jane: I told you not to call me Plain! My name is Jane!
Exonian: Sorry, Jane. I mean John. Whatever. Answer the question though. Seriously, you’re cutting into our mandatory SAT hours. We love those.
Jane: Ok. So I was looking at our weekly schedule, and I noticed something. We have Saturday classes! And Andover doesn’t! You know what else Andover doesn’t have that we could? Sunday classes.
Exonian: Let me get this straight, Jane. You want to give us a seven-day workweek? Brilliant!
Jane: I thought so too. Now we can get rid of those pesky Saturday nights where we’re supposed to be being “social”. I personally prefer homework to dances.
Exonian: But don’t you like hanging out with all your friends?
Jane: …I don’t understand. What are these “friends” you speak of?
Exonian: Incredible! Jane, you’re the model Exeter student. We wish you lots of luck on your campaign!
So that pretty much sums it up, campus. We’ve got three of our coolest, brightest, and most energetic candidates that we’ve ever had. Vote for your favorite, and we’re sure to have a great year!