I’d like to say that I completely agree with last week’s Opinion article “Mo’ Harkness= Mo’ ‘Fun’!” I agree that, statistically speaking, schools with more Harkness tables do, indeed, have more “fun” than those that have less of our unique, world-renowned, life-changing, innovative, wooden tables. I mean, just look at how much fun it is here! Everything about this place is great, I never don’t want to go home!
I was skeptical at first, but I’ve come to love the English classes here. I had no idea Dan Brown had written so many books, or that you could study them so thoroughly. Not to mention my Dan Brown-based history class, I mean, I thought I knew history, but boy was I wrong. Did you know that the first draft of the United States constitution was actually written on the back of a pumpkin pie recipe belonging to Mary Magdaline’s tomb-maker’s mother’s great-great-grand-niece’s childhood neighbor’s crush’s mother-in-law Susan B. Anthony?! It’s true (at least according to Mr. Brown’s new book “Pens, Pies, and the Pieces of the Parliamentary Puzzle: True Facts According to Wikipedia”). Bet they don’t have that kind of class at Andover!
Also, the food here is absolutely the best! Even my grandma’s home-made banana bread can’t compare to the delicious grey stuff they have Thursday nights! Pure dehydrated protein and vitamin mulch never tasted so good! And the coffee that I have given to me directly by IV so that I have more time to study math and not have any social life is great when it’s infused with special Harkness table shavings!
I don’t think I’ve ever been homesick here! The way the entire student body ignores each other is great! The cold distance and lack of real human contact reminds me of my relationships with my mom and her third husband Getme Outofthisplace.
It’s great how much the administration cares about us too. They way they monitor our phone calls and censor our e-mails so that the word “help!” is automatically replaced by “cupcakes” is not at all overbearing or vaguely totalitarian, it’s obviously just a very aggressive form of care. Right?
Obviously Exeter is the most fun school, in fact, I’ve composed a song I’d like to call “The Exeter Song”:
“Some say PEA,
Is only happy on diploma day,
But those who know,
will tell you even that isn’t
so”
I mean, even if my mom were to show up at my dorm at exactly 2:36a.m. tomorrow morning (because that’s when campus security rotates shifts), I so would not jump in and tell her to step on it. Exeter is not Fascist, Unfit for education, or Negatively affecting the students. F.U.N.
- Barty Snifflepivitts ’15*