A recent increase in pollen and other allergens has lead to a surge in anti-green sentiment on campus.

The increase in allergens, brought on by the blooming of the campus’ trees and flowers, has caused a wave of runny noses, itchy eyes, and hives. With so many students and faculty suffering, a witch-hunt to find someone or something to blame has taken hold of campus.

A resounding number of students have found a guilty party in the form of nature. “It’s clear who is to blame...