The Phillipian

Elf punting has become very popular, particularly on the high-school level. Here we see Gary Finkle punting Candy-Kane, an elf who was caught stealing slinkies from Santa’s workshop.

Ice Sculpting: Although this sport was just short of making the list for this year’s Olympic games, it is a vigorous sport that relies on strong hand eye coordination, along with a demand of endurance and teamwork. The board did not see Ice Sculpting as a sport that embodies the true spirit of the games. While interviewing the head coach of the Russian Ice Sculpting squad, Victor Drakonskvilashnikos, I asked him how he felt about the decision to not include Ice Sculpting in this year’s winter games: “It is an outrage. Ice Sculpting embodies three of the vital aspects of Russian culture and society: cutting, smashing and destroying.” I also recently spoke with the Mexican Ice Sculpting team’s captain, Antonio Rodriguez, who also was unhappy with the decision. He said, “Our team had to train long and hard to prepare for the Olympics in hopes that they would finally certify it as a sport. Due to our warm climate, we had to have 17 of our team members run on treadmill-powered generators to power our air conditioners. One of our teammates, Paco, even lost a finger just as he was putting the finishing touches on the horn of a unicorn. And now it’s all for nothing.” Hopefully, Ice Sculpting can grow as a sport and become a part of the 2014 Winter Olympic Games.

Elf Punting: Elf punting is a fast-growing sport with a promising future. Different from other sports that are not in the Olympics, the board in fact approved Elf Punting. People all around the world are getting excited about this new and revolutionary sport’s first appearance on national television. Most fans have only heard stories or seen one of the few YouTube videos that leaked the North Pole treasure of Elf Punting. Each Elf Punting team has two players, a kicker and a flyer. The main objective of the sport is for the kicker to drop kick the flyer off a raised platform as far as possible. The world record is 26.4 feet; the flyer Hugo Dweebly only suffered minor brain damage and a severely injured groin as a result of the record-breaking kick. Sadly, the sport will not be making its debut at this year’s winter games; Santa Clause reported that this year there were not enough defected or orphan elves. He sends his apologies.

Standing Outside in the Cold: Standing Outside in the Cold is a sport that demands endurance, teamwork and strategy. The main objective for the players that compete in this dangerous and badass sport is to see who can stand outside in the cold for the longest period of time, but the judges also award style points. The judges deduct ten minutes of a players overall time for each limb that is lost throughout the competition. At last year’s Standing Out in the Cold, German premier league championship, Augustus Bratwurst stood outside in the cold for five and a quarter days. He lost both of his legs, one ear and several other body parts which we will not go into detailed description about. The previous record of sixteen days was dismissed because it was found that the competitor froze to death standing up and was not alive for most of his record-breaking endeavor.

-Ricky Goldstein