The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Classifieds For The Lovelorn: Andrew Cohen

Andover can be a lonely place, and it’s not always easy to meet new people. So every week, we highlight one real, actual student who is on this campus and looking for love (serious relationships only — we don’t advertise hook-ups). If interested in putting your name here, email







Andrew Cohen ‘20

Looking for a Tall, muscular brunette

…looking for Tom Brady


Some Cool Facts About Me

  • Will steal carrots. For not only you but all your friends.
  • Uses semicolons in texts.
  • Is good at math.
  • Willing to throw parties at his house with his little brother and sister and Cheez-its.
  • Has often thought about pursuing a career as a supermodel.
  • Mini-waves on the path.

But wait… There’s more!

  • Will 100% send you pictures of his bookcase.
  • Only likes reduced fat Cheez-itz because they are saltier.


  • Don’t have Patriots Season Tickets,
  • Believe the Deflategate LIES

Ideal Date Spot

  • Doesn’t know what a date is, so could be hard


Jan 11, 2019