The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Student Caught Breaking Rules, Teachers Pleasantly Surprised

In an unforeseen turn of events, earlier this week, Exeter’s Disciplinary Committee convened for the first time ever to bring four male students to trial. The Prep boys, John, William, Alexander, and Christopher, were caught cruising and playing hide-and-seek on campus at 10:31 p.m. last Tuesday. Although the students officially incurred minor punishment, news of the event quickly spread around campus. The boys now live a lavish lifestyle, being the only students to ever dare to enjoy themselves in the history of the school. The Associate Head of the History Department, Mr. Stile, told The Exonian, “I’m just glad to see that someone finally did anything other than sit alone and study. Honest to god, seeing these kids around campus, they’re like toddlers with dark-circles.” The four boys can now be found in almost any public space, swarmed by large crowds of doting fans, listening to the boys regale their glorious tale of adventure. Post-Graduates and teachers alike stand off to a distance and wonder why the boy’s football captain is taking notes on danger from a pre-pubescent teen. The Dean of Students, Ms. Whitehall, said, “I can’t believe how amazing this instance is, what it’s doing for all the students. Now they actually believe in fun!” Ms. Whitehall also told The Exonian, “I’ve been thinking, we should try and run ourselves like that school down south, Andover. I hear they have plenty of DCs. How lucky – their students must be having so much fun!” In a desperate bid to encourage further rule breaking in the face of an angelic student body, the Red Book will be made stricter and students will not be notified of changes. Walking to class without a safe group of three? Warning. Walking anywhere with more than three people? Probation. Having fun? We hope not, that’s dismissal.

Nov 9, 2018