The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: I Went Undercover as a Proctor at Leadership Training: Here’s What I learned

It’s a shock, quite frankly. Proctors must go through hell to be certified for the leadership role that demands the least work of any on campus. Eh, they give you the occasional hug and maybe some candy on your birthday — they’re a friend that’s required to be your friend. We, the Eighth Page, sought to infiltrate this “elite” group of bedwetters at leadership training, namely to understand why I had been “rejected” from “every Proctor position” because I was “unsuitable to manage others, let alone myself” and “do not currently attend Andover.” Pfft, like they know anything. For four days and three nights, I lived the part of my character. As I couldn’t stay in the dorms, I conveniently found lodging in Kemper. I slept amongst old costumes and fed off of gum I found on the floor. Each morning, I arose at 5:00 a.m. to falsely arrive at Underwood for training — seemingly coming from Flagstaff. Oh, what fools they were to believe my illusion. I wore painted trash bags as clothing, knowing the hypebeasts of the school would see no difference between me and themselves. What my masquerade allowed me to discover was nothing short of extraordinary. The people, so eager and gentle, never once questioned my persona. In group discussions, I would add bits here and there, plagiarizing from other conversations. Even though the ideas were not mine, I felt strangely listened to in a way I never have before — looking at you, every loved one I’ve ever had. Some people even added comments of support or came up to me afterwards to express their interest in what I said. How odd. These Proctors are truly of another nature. Similarly, I was continually asked to share my opinions on topics surrounding identity. In response, the others would do something called… “snapping”? By the end of the four days, I was unsuccessful in seeing any money or equivalent sexual favors change hands between them and the Deans, but I was super excited for the upcoming school year!! Please let me know if you guys need anything (even if it’s just someone to talk to or just a shoulder to cry on) — my door’s always open! :)) <3

 

Oct 11, 2018