“I’ve made the decision on my parents’ behalf to avoid contact with me until Thanksgiving.”
“Next week has me really exhausted.”
“I wake up in the morning feeling a shade of flamingo.”
“Purell is an illegal substance.”
“This is the first time I’ve seen daylight since yesterday at 2:45.”
“Midterms are my ‘turning-point.’ ”
“Nut allergies are just a form of natural selection.”
