The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: PAPS Launches Animal Control Unit Following Escape of Baby Zoo Animals

This past Sunday, the beloved Barn Babies returned to campus. Certain students expressed that they may have been misled to believe the ducklings would return this year, and yeah, we’re salty about that too. As campus organizers moved to close up the pens, they noticed that — like my mother from her first three marriages — a majority of the animals had escaped. The animals, who had recently been taken off their Xanax prescriptions, easily broke loose from their swaddles.

After only one of the animals that escaped (two kittens, three bunnies, and a kid) was recaptured within the hour, Phillips Academy Public Safety (PAPS) organized a massive search party to begin combing campus like mother used to comb my hair before she met Gregory. Officer Larson Sonson, who headed the task force, told The Phillipian, “It was definitely a ’uge breach in security.” In trying to corral the animals, the unit wielded equipment no one, including the officers themselves and the school’s liability office, knew PAPS Officers were even qualified to handle: tranquilizer darts, large nets, those mean spiked dog leashes that villains use, and an unlicensed therapist who walks around and reminds you of all the times your parents have loudly argued in front of you. Most PAPS Officers assumed the most advanced gear they could carry was a safety pin — like the one mother used on my biological father’s condom — and even that was a distinction only awarded to those of “high” rank.

Sonson, however, defended the decision to outfit his squad with safety in mind. “These are VERY dangerous animals — I mean, someone could’ve died!” said Sonson. When asked to elaborate on how someone could die from coming in contact with a couple of runaway baby animals, Son of Larson was — like mother in the first divorce — very animated: “ALLERGIES, of course!!! Number one: a common cold, or, uh, the sniffles, if you’d like to use layman’s terms. A common cold, uhh, and, uh, before you know it, you know, there’s a cholera outbreak on campus, and BOOM — just like that, 500 are dead.”

While in the end none of the animals were actually caught, and the animal control unit was seen wandering around for an hour and a half with flashlights on at 4:00 p.m., the baby goat staying in my room is very happy. See, mother, at least one of us knows how to raise a kid.

Oct 5, 2018