The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Greased-Up Streaker Poses Threat To Public Safety During Lacrosse Halftime

“People just don’t get modern art,” said Thomas “Thom with an H” Barry ’18 in response to general outrage to his actions during last Wednesday’s JV2 lacrosse game.           

As the young student/aspiring vintage scarf collector, covered in WD-40, slipped and slid across Siberia fields last Wednesday, the Good God-Loving Christians of Andover feared for their decency as they clutched their rosaries and held their children’s eyes shut.

Minnesota elementary school teacher and outraged parent John Smith had this to say about Barry’s performance: “So I brought my kids all the way over here to Massachusetts, y’know, to see tha [sic] big game. I mean, my kids had been begging me for months to take ’em, and I was just thinking, ‘Oh boy, it sure is time to go back to the hotel,’ y’know, since my parakeet’s on a pretty strict diet after his kidney infection and has to get his suppository every night at 5:30, and then all out of nowhere this young man comes out onto the field, and he’s, well, he’s not got nothing between the world and what God gave him is the best way of putting it I guess.”

Barry, who describes himself as “the kind of person who’d be a pothead if it weren’t so mainstream,” was “disgusted” by the onlookers’ ignorance.

“They don’t understand, you know. Like, they’re just going to go about their day and not think about what an impact the phrase “the squeaky wheel gets the grease” has on this world, you know? And so I had to do this, and I knew the field of a high school junior varsity lacrosse game was the best place to get my message heard. Just look at history man, like who is gonna make a change if not me, right? I’m like the MLK of moderate oil consumption or something, I guess,” said Barry.

Despite several attempts by The Phillipian to reach out, both President Donald J. Trump and Head of School John Palfrey P’21 declined to comment on this protest, to which an exasperated Barry commented, “They’re trying to hide this — open your eyes sheeple.” At press time, Barry, stringing red yarn along a wall, was overheard planning another similar protest.

May 4, 2018