The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Charity Campaign: Andover Athletics Commits to Losing Every Athletic Contest for a Year

Thirsty for wins and championships, Andover Athletics is as serious as they come, and the Borden Memorial Gym is at the helm. Year after year, they fail to disappoint. For centuries, Andover Athletics has fostered a competitive environment. But now, a local charity run and managed by retired Girl Scouts Troop 77253 looks to provide “an alternative approach to athletic endeavors.”

Sally Cuurn, who aged out of the Girl Scout Union after 26 years of service, approached the staff prior to the start of 2018 competitions.

She pitched, “Andover Athletics will commit to losing every athletic —” before Ruby Feduby, coach of infamously undefeated Andover Field Hockey, turned a vibrant raspberry and began to transform into a human-sized badger that hadn’t been fed for at least a fortnight.

One student representative, John Frunker ’19, was allowed to sit in on the meeting. Frunker never imagined that he would take on such a heavy role for the future of Andover Athletics. He told The Phillipian, “I am definitely a procrastinator and have a serious problem with my work ethic and most ethics. I have no idea who thought it would be a good idea to involve me in this. I could do without this added pressure.”

A brief 26 minutes later (and several passionate renditions of the Girl Scouts’ anthem, “Single Ladies” by Beyoncé), the trustees released a school wide alert: “Andover has committed to losing every athletic contest for a year. Starting next Tuesday, all who attempt to disobey this rule will be closeted in the archives of the library and left to reflect on their actions with the sole company of their guilty conscious and some particularly well organized rats.”

Following this press release, student athletes were outraged until many of them realized this would not merit a change in their practice habits.

In an interview with Phillips Exeter Academy’s Girls Tennis Coach Mike O’Shara, O’Shara shared his relief after this decision. “Everyone knows that a prep school tennis match is where a man’s ego goes to die or thrive, so obviously, I’m pretty excited about this. I’m not sure what I’ll do with my free time from cancelled practices, maybe get a boat,” said O’Shara.

When asked to explain his thoughts on the decision, Head of School John Palfrey P’21 merely stated, “Because Non Sibi” before disappearing in a cloud of smoke.

May 4, 2018