The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Visiting Magician Stands Trial for Witchcraft

Dermatologist, fellow Harvard graduate of Head of School John Palfrey’s, and lifelong satanist Dr. Charlie Keller has been a closeted magician for the past 20 years, only performing occasionally for his mother-in-law. Straying from the comforts of an intimate audience, Keller announced he would give his debut performance at Andover last Saturday.

Dressed in full Batman regalia, Dr. Keller began his performance with simple card tricks before moving onto some slightly more impressive feats. His finale, however, left the audience in a state of shock and 1800s-esque, religiously motivated fear. Dr. Keller, introducing the trick as “the big osmosis,” disappeared in front of the audience’s eyes.

Some claimed he was going into a virtual hibernation for a lab he was conducting at the time while others believed the player was reverting back to his old habits and had entered “The Bachelorette” Season 30 cast. Keller was found two weeks later at a local fish market.

Students and teachers alike began to notice strange going-ons in the proceeding weeks: flowers growing in the shape of satanic symbols, widespread desperate cravings for processed hotdogs, and especially bad allergies. Of course, suspicions arose surrounding the true nature of Keller’s wizardry. Humble magician or dangerous and powerful wizard? Having tracked him down at the fish market, the Andover Disciplinary Committee requested his presence at a trial to ask that very question.

On trial, Keller, father of seven and husband of four (not including his mistress who also happens to be his cousin), pleaded guilty and showed no fear of the death penalty by melting pot.

The magician’s last words before he entered the melting pot were as follows: “The Deaf Society will be selling rubber wristbands to raise awareness for the equality of sound in honor of my muse, my mother-in-law. Feel free to call and talk with a representative.”

Apr 20, 2018